Potato Chips in 2014

Can't have just one.

Being with Simona was wonderful. It truly was. But for my hesitation to expend any emotion on women these days, or, at least, to keep it on a tight leash, it was really nice to find myself caring about a person to the point where I was willing to be just a bit irresponsible. Watching Kikujiro on the couch with her wasn't exactly a great plan, but, you know, it was lovely. She was lovely. It felt wonderful. And, somewhere deep inside, angsty 15 year old Open Diary me really REALLY wanted to pine over her. I really did. I like pining, and I used to be good at it. But, somethings bothered me a lot lately. My pining seems insincere. Now, as I've mentioned far FAR too many times, all of my feelings seem insincere to me. However, where women are concerned, they seem especially insincere. Could I pine for someone? Yes. But never NEVER just one.

Let's start with Ami. Well, I was thirteen, and she was my world altering crush. I think everybody gets one at that age. Well, during that time, I also had my big crush on Lauren. Skip forward two years and I'm dividing my attention between Kat and Courtney. Then Kat and Lee. Then Courtney and Lee. Then Lee and Whitney. Then Lee and Really Hot Redhead Girl Rebecca (with Courtney always at the back of my mind until Spring of '04). Then Andrea and Amanda. Then Kat and Amanda. Then Amanda and Niki. Then Niki and Rachael. Then Niki and Arielle. Then Amber and Rachael. Then June and Rachael. Then Evangeline and Amanda.

Now, most of these weren't physical connections, and there is overlap. Courtney was pretty consistent from Summer of '01 until the Spring of '04. Rachael pining could, arguably, be dated to '05. However, I'll call it Summer of '06 until . . . well, that's a good question, isn't it? Arguably sometime after June and coming home from China. But even that's iffy. Kat kept coming and going in my life, but effectively left it in 2005 (though we're friends these days and that rocks). Niki was a constant between Winter of '04 and Summer of '09. However, most of that was physical, not emotional. And again, we get into another issue in the problem.

I can remember seeing Rachael the night before the night before I went to China. A very large part of me wanted to just cling to that moment and to hold onto her until I came back. However, the next night, when Niki was over, another (smaller, though more influential) part decided that I'd best avail myself of the opportunity presented to me. Part of me, that silly superstitious part, has always wondered if maybe that's what did it. I had a notion of last girl out first girl back. Obviously it's not the actual cause of anything, but it struck me at the time. Anyway, obsessed with Rachael, and having mastered self control to sufficiently keep my hand out of my pants for over a month, I immediately fell back into things with Niki. And Arielle. And a lot of others. I realize that some people have a disconnect between physical and emotional, but, it goes beyond this.

When I was pining for Rachael, I was also pining for Amber. Now, I still pine for Amber sometimes. While I'm pining for Amanda. I saw a picture of Lucy and pined for a few minutes. Courtney, for whatever reason, the second you were with Jason, I lost all interest. Be complimented or insulted as you see fit. Either way, it sure was convenient, and your wedding (more so than even weddings I've been to for people I didn't even like much) was the least fraught with "What Could Have Been"-s.

Could I go to Florida and chase Amanda? Sure. Would it work? Probably. But would I make her happy? Would it be responsible of me? I think that's one of the big reasons why I'm not interested in dating these days. I'm tired of knowing, simply KNOWING that I'll get bored with someone. Amanda was the cleverest woman I'd ever spent an hour with face to face. But she just got to be boring. Like nearly everybody else in my actual life. Maybe that's why my best friend is an internet weirdo I met when I was thirteen? Maybe that's why my most successful (and least traumatic) social exchanges happen through a screen? I don't know.

This entry, I'm well aware, is breaking my streak of trying to be more lucid and organized in new entries, and for that, I apologize. I feel like there are a lot of thoughts here that are jumbled up, and I'm not sure how to separate them enough to analyze.

I guess if I had to think of what's really bothering me, and why it is that I'm writing this, I think it's because I realized something. I feel that my feelings are cheap. I feel that my own emotions are meaningless. I spent years saying, "I don't feel anything." That was an obvious delusion. However, I think that my stupid whiny angsty self was on to something. It's not that I don't feel things. It's that I don't feel that what I feel particularly matters, and I haven't for some time. (Rachael being a big exception). I can't imagine, I literally cannot imagine, a wife that would content me, or a domestic existence that I think I could tolerate. The idea seems horrifying. At the same time, I can't spend my whole life going from country to country seeking some new empty thrill, can I? I suppose I can, but will it get me anywhere? I doubt it. Something is wrong with me. I'm starting to feel more strongly about that. Courtney disagrees (at least on this point) and says it's normal for guys to feel this way. I suppose maybe? I don't know that Tris ever did. Again, I'm never sure if my problems are normal issues made worse by self awareness or if I'm some kind of monster.

From the time I was a kid, farther back than I can remember, mum told me that all marriages are bad and all families are miserable. There's a fair to decent chance that she told my brothers this as well. None of us are married. None of us even have serious girlfriends. They actually have both broken up with long time significant others within the last year and neither seemed upset by it. Chris helped his move out and they still hang out. Collin was happy to get rid of his. I wonder how much of my hesitation is due to my upbringing? Maybe family life can be good. But, if it's so ingrained into me, by twenty eight, that it is impossible, maybe it will become so? Maybe it has already. I feel that it has.

One of the reasons I'm working on self control these days is the resignation that I probably have to get married. I will probably need to, for one reason or another, at some point in my life, and it seems reasonable that I'd best start learning to repress a lot of my feelings and instincts. I find myself much more emotionally withdrawn from people than I used to be. Thank goodness for Prosebox. I think part of that withdrawal, though, is linked to the notion that my feelings are illegitimate. It's a rough thing to think. I don't recommend you guys trying it.

Anyway, this entry is long and rambley and illogical and terrible. Plus I've made myself sad while writing it. Still, it's a nice sad. It's an honest sadness. Of course, the moment I said that, I now suspect myself of chasing a sadness high.

Life.