Anxiety. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have been pretty anxious since yesterday. I’m just really jittery, can’t hardly swallow, and my thoughts are racing. I’m just really worried about my Grampa. I know that it’s best for him to pass because it’s not a life sleeping all the time, not eating, and can’t do anything but be in bed but my Mom and I are going to completely fall apart when he goes. I know he doesn’t have much time left and it’s breaking me. I wish that I would have had more time with him all these years but I can’t go back and that kills me.

I’m also stressed about going back to work. Part of me is excited because I don’t have to worry about going to a brand new place but I do worry if anyone is going to be shitty towards me and them giving me more hours than what I signed up for. I know that I will be putting my daughter back in daycare which will be a year long contract so if I do quit, the co-pay will still have to be paid. My Mom told me earlier that I don’t have to work but I want to. I like feeling productive, making money, getting out of the house and knowing I’m doing what I need to be for my kid.

She did say she’ll come this weekend and watch my kid. I told her that I just want a day or 2 before I make that decision to be stuck in daycare for a year. It sucks that I can’t rely on my Mom to watch her long term. I plan to mention it in the next couple days if I get the chance but I know even if she agreed, my Dad would do everything he could to fuck that up because he’s so selfish. I have just about had enough of it. I haven’t gotten much of a relationship with my Mom in the last 15 years because all she did was work to support him and my daughter didn’t even know who she was until she was 3!

No school today due to the snow storm. I didn’t find out until we were waiting for the bus and I happened to check Facebook. I think it’s bullshit that they had plenty of time to make that call but waited until last fucking minute so my kid was crushed! I’m sure school will be open tomorrow.

I’m going to have to let them know she won’t be coming back after next Tuesday. I really hope I’m making the right decision going back to the same job and dealing with the schedule. I will admit I’d rather have 24/7 care at least for now though. I just wish I could rely on my Mom but my Dad makes sure that is pretty much out of the fucking question.

I told my best friend this morning how he acts towards my kid and she said he has no fucking business disciplining her at all!! I completely agree. I guess I would be alright with it if he could talk to her like she’s a human being! I don’t want anyone being overly loud and just making her walk on eggshells. I grew up like that and I will NOT have that for my child. It’s insane that a grown man in his 60’s acts like this. Just refuses to change and can’t acknowledge that he’s ever the problem! My Mom is only with him because she felt sorry for him but that’s not okay in my book after the crazy shit he did while she was gone all Summer.

I’ve been giving my kid Miralax everyday as the Dr told me to and she seems a lot better. I check her temp like 4 times a day and it’s fine so hopefully the constipation is going to improve and the issues go away.

I honestly wish my Mom would seriously get my Dad out of her life because then none of us would have to put up with him. I just can’t handle how controlling, bossy, rude, and selfish he is!