Week-to-week. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

It's a weekly cycle for sure. I never have "two good weeks in a row". I was able to salvage last week by hitting the gym four days in a row to get myself back on track. Yet, as always, major anxiety on monday and skipped class AGAIN. "Ugh, I gotta eat. Ugh, I gotta sit in traffic. Ugh, I'm not going to be paying attention in class anyway. Ugh, I'm going to be getting home late." Meanwhile, spending a few minutes to brush my teeth makes me anxious, too.

I'm anxious enough when I'm not even DOING anything.

Two weeks ago was a bad week of drinking. I just couldn't deal. Last week, six days dry straight. Not bad. Had three shots yesterday and beat MattBro at chess. Two shots tonight. Just. Ugh. Far better than the major bingeing I've been prone to. That's progress in my eyes.

(So Elissa has a friend Julia who has a brother named Matt and a boyfriend named Matt. Hence, MattBro and BoyMatt. Or something like that in my head.)

I seem okay when I obsessively plan things to fill time. Otherwise I waste it. Relaxing in Daisy IS getting to be effective. Limiting time online is critical, as is getting out of the house. Even if it's to buy a whole lotta underwear. YAY FOR NEW UNDERWEAR.

Elissa's one of the few spots that makes me feel better, but at the same time, I refuse to just lean on her like that. I mean, I'll talk about my feelings and stuff. That's absolutely important. But it's more important to manage my home life and be happier here, on my own. In so many words, it does help that I'm held at least once a week. I need to be held, so much. Hell, being held keeps me from drinking.

Meanwhile, the prospect of brushing my teeth makes me anxious. "That's ten minutes out of my life!" And then I do other things effortlessly that no doubt make other people anxious. I've joked that this is why I've been looking at underwear so much. It's something nice for me that I want, and thinking about something I want distracts me from, well. We need distractions, otherwise I end up thinking. And thinking is bad.

Sigh. I'll just have to settle for later this week, as there's no being held before the end of today. There's really no reason for this anxiety tonight, I recognize that.