92 not out in Vulnerability

I touched on it briefly in the survey I did, but yeah my one surviving grandparent (dad’s mum) found out she has mouth cancer last week. She’s 92yo. I’m still stunned it’s mouth cancer of all things, but I guess cancer can appear anywhere, fucker of a thing. So naturally, it’s caused distress not only for her (as far as I’ve been told) but her children as well. I asked mum how dad is feeling about it, but never got a response, so I guess that was a stupid question.

Basically, Ma (as she’s affectionately known) has decided she doesn’t want treatment and that she’s “ready to go”. This has caused distress, especially for one of my Aunt’s (Vicky), who does not agree with her decision at all. There must be some real tough conversations going on out there in country Queensland where they all live (Vicky lives in western NSW but is obviously up given this news.) My mother created a group with us siblings, initially saying that we would be having our family Christmas moved forward to July, as that is the only time everyone gets together as an extended family, and in the last few years or so, it’s always been at Ma’s complex, to make it easy for her. Every time I’m out there, she’s been saying “This might be the last time you see me” and every year she’s still there. I guess this time there’s no getting out of it. Another family member suggested moving the get-together to Easter instead, so that was the latest plan. I guess to all say our goodbyes.

I’m still not sure how to process the information. I can totally understand she doesn’t want to pump chemo through her at her tender age. And my sister is still only good for an hour per day on the other side of radiography. Mum sent an updated message yesterday saying that the get-together is now off, as Ma has become more and more withdrawn and just likes to sit by herself. Mum said we will just have to visit her when it suits.
My God, I wish I knew what was going on inside her head. She’s always seemed at peace with passing on, given how religious she’s always been. She lost her younger sister only two years back, which was a shock. She might be at peace? I just don’t know.
And to have everyone around you knowing you’re about to die, what a shitty feeling. At least it would be for me. I get that she’s 92, but she’s been healthy otherwise. We always said she’d make it to 100. I guess not now.
And I don’t know how much time she has. It’s spread to her lymph nodes, so that usually isn’t good news.
I mean, mouth cancer? Wtf?
Anyway, it’s still a bit weird to sit and process this.