Warm Breath on a Cold Mirror in The Road Ahead

Hey babes! Strange fucking times for the Berry Club nowadays huh? It’s been a wild year-ish since I wrote last. Let’s hop into it!

About six months ago, I came out as my truest form and I’ve been experiencing a brighter life than I thought possible. I’ve moved emotional mountains and dug out boundary trenches and established myself as someone who wants to be here. My suicidal ideations have faded to nearly silent and in that nearly deafening vacuum, the curious sounds of hope and dare I say, peace, have begun to sizzle and pop. My depression continues to ebb and flow like the tide, but the lows aren’t as low and while I’m not hitting my head on any ceilings of contentment, I’m weathering the storms far, far better than I ever have.

I did end up moving out and ending a relationship of four years shortly after I came out too. My ex essentially said she was tired of me being vegan and talking about it and wanting her to also stop exploiting animals, so she was opting out of the relationship. Which I was okay with, because things like morals and ethics are extremely important to me. Plus, she’d been increasingly distant both emotionally and physically for months, if not a year before that. Oh, that was another reason I was okay with ending the relationship, she was selfish AF. Has traveled multiple times as a high-risk person to see new partners across the country, has invited people who traveled across country into the apartment, all while her partners are having to quarantine from their partners because she’s putting everyone at risk. Extremely aggravating when you’re the only one putting in effort! I don’t think she was down with dating someone who is trans either. She got a lot of negative feedback from her family about dating a woman and her sexuality and she told me she never really wanted a girlfriend. Oops!

So my other partner and I talked, they were ready to move out as well, so we became nesting partners and found a little apartment together. And minus the building not being the best and the landlord being an absent shit (been here five months and they still haven’t fixed anything from our move in inspection), it’s been incredible living with someone who actually likes me! We talk openly and freely about finances and feelings, we support each others hobbies and interests, and they don’t mind the smell of weed, so I’m able to comfortably and safely medicate myself. We are able to have tough conversations together, like over the holidays when I expressed my unease with how their family wasn’t following CDC guidelines and that I wasn’t comfortable sharing space with them (as a high risk individual myself, I’ve got three friggin’ inhalers! Two are only for wildfire season, but still) and we were able to calmly get through it and then convey that to their family as a unit ourselves. We’re both disabled too, so there’s a level of compassion and understanding of energy and tolerance levels that goes such a long, long way. They’re absolutely wonderful and I’m happy to say that this is THE most supportive, encouraging, mutually beneficial relationship I’ve ever been in. They were also down with my No Dead Things policy, where no dead animals, names, or otherwise are allowed beyond our threshold. <3 <3 <3

There’s so much more to say and I can confidently say that I will say it. I’ve taken a turn for the better, even as the world turns for the worse. Almost five years after I thought I’d be gone, I’ve never been more here, more honest, more passionate about doing the right thing, making connections, and exploring life.

But what’s really important, is how have YOU been? Let me know in the comments.

TTYS! <3

Last updated February 16, 2021