The Beginning of in Journal

loneliness.
And God, am I ever so lonely.
I peered at the pictures of “us” that I had hung around our small cottage like house. I looked for the people in them- first at the sibling pictures. There was I, and my husband, and all of his family. And in this other one, there was I and my husband and all of his family. And in this other one- oh, his family again.
And I… started to realized there was no one there for me. There wasn’t a single picture with someone in it there for me. It was all his family.
Idk why I sort of just now felt the abandonment- the utter forsaken loneliness of having no one. But I did. And I started to think why in the world would he ever give up his family for me?
It’s just me, you see. Just me and no one else. I married a man who is enmeshed in a huge family of people dedicated to one another. And I’m just… just me. Me and no one else. I have no one dedicated to me. I have nothing to supplant the comforts of his myriad family members. It’s just me. Me and no one else.

I can see what a huge sacrifice it is for him. I can see the terror of giving all that up. He comes from love and support and togetherness. Why would he discard that? If not discard, at least hold “us” on a higher level of commitment. And… he wouldn’t. Obviously. It’s a losing proposition for him. He could go on his merry way without me, and still have all that family to fall back on.
Whereas, I have no one. I have to rely on no one but myself. And, maybe that has made me stronger over the years. But it’s also made me incredibly isolated.