The Fires at Asbury in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I know I say this every year but I just need to reiterate how much I fucking hate Christmas. It’s like a poison. One of my life goals is to move to a part of the world that doesn’t celebrate Christmas… or at least is distanced enough from American Capitalism that I can actually fucking breathe long enough to figure out if I like Christmas. But this whole “SHOP. BUY. MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY WITH YOUR MONEY.” is just in complete conflict with my values as a human being.

What’s funny is that most of my values and beliefs I formed when I was about 16 and the last twenty years or so have been all about how I can manifest those authentically in my life. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for people who unkind, apathetic and cruel (so, my family).

I’ve let go of a lot of people this year. I’ve always been good at letting people go to a certain extent, but this year it seemed much more protracted. Everyone wants to talk about how this year “redefined” them or showed them their priorities or how screwed up the priorities of others are… as if that hadn’t been abundantly clear before.

Americans are great at distracting themselves to prevent introspection because the application of morals is something done outside of oneself. The moment the hustle pauses and you have to actually sit in your giant house with who you are, who you’ve let into your life, and stare down the choices you’ve made, it all comes crashing down.

That never happened with me. At least not in the 2020 sense… I faced that after my suicide attempt a few years ago. I know exactly what I am. I know who I am. I know what limitations I’m facing. I know what I want to do, where I want to go, and what prevents me from jumping on that path right this moment.

Everyone else seemed to have complete mental breakdowns this year, but I had mine ages ago so I just coasted through this year and had some joy.

Unfortunately, not everyone is joyful. Aside from the marriage implosion and my aunt’s cancer diagnosis, three friends have fallen prey to COVID (It’s why I love the Tom Cruise tape that just got leaked because that is my energy… screaming at people for being stupid and not wearing masks, we love to see it). Me me me. Well, you you you are killing people.

Richard and I chatted last night. I don’t know what is up with him, he had all these dreams and goals… and now he’s just settling. He was going to go to school in either Long Beach or San Luis Obispo.... but he quit his job at the hotel (which I can understand because that business has suffered a lot during the pandemic, but he was working at a very nice hotel and making progress in his career) so that he could be an appointment setter at a hair salon and stay in Sacramento to go to school.

“It’d be too hard to live on my own in Long Beach…” so fucking what, you’re in your 30’s, it’s time to really push yourself and see how far you can go. But no, he’s back to being a version of that shallow under-achiever he was.

Part of me thinks the panic and psychosis of the pandemic was good for people. Reckoning with how much or little progress you’ve made in life can be very healthy… but then to discard it because “Biden’s President so we don’t have to worry”. As much as I dislike Donald Trump, he did not shoot George Floyd. Donald Trump did not rip off the BLM sign from Asbury United Methodist Church, a black church in Washington D.C. that has been around for nearly 200 years. There is absolutely no reason to be stress-free in America.

If America does not stress you out, you are not paying attention.

That’s why I’m leaving. I have too few years left in my life to be forced to deal with those things, and I’ve reckoned with my accomplishments and shortcomings. I’ve got my list and I’m working on checking them off. And if people aren’t encouraging me, that’s fine, but don’t expect me to encourage you, either.