Nice - 26.04.14 in Your Face

It's always nice to have peace and quiet, and privacy, when I am house sitting for my sister. I can take a dump in peace, I can cook for myself, I can nap and watch television and sit on a couch.

Unfortunately, being completely alone, no matter how much I crave the solitude, leaves me feeling depressed. It seems that my options are to be alone and terribly lonely, or to be with my mother and brother, who both annoy and frustrate me to no end. I want to be with M, and no one else can substitute. I do not feel at all close to anyone. The closest would be my sister, but I can never tell her anything personal or really open up to her.

Tomorrow I will go back to mother's house, where I'll unpack my bag, do a few loads of washing, and figure out what to feed myself for the next week.

I seem to be budgeting fairly well, although I continue to lack confidence in myself. I suppose I am motivated by the fact that I only have 7 weeks left of work. And what happens after that? I suppose I have been a bit vague on the topic, mostly because I am afraid to face the reality. But here it is: my passport is still with the US Consulate, waiting on payslips from M before I get it back, along with my residency paperwork. Those slips need to be submitted before 7 July.

I was pushed to put a date on my departure from this job, so I set one. I set a realistic one that will fit with my travel plans, and even if they don't, I have figured out the amount of money I would need per week to get by, and I will have enough to support myself for 6 months, plus pay for my own plane tickets. Obviously I won't need that much time, but it's always better to be prepared.

So what happens if 7 July rolls around and M hasn't had a job long enough, or has a job and it doesn't pay enough? That's the big question. He was talking about contacting his mother and asking her to sponsor me, but I know he really, REALLY doesn't want to have to do that. Given my knowledge of his behaviours, I truly anticipate him falling into a job at the very last minute. He has a history of doing everything at the last second, despite talking about it and planning it for long periods of time. We always run late to things because he has to do one more thing. He is never, ever in a rush to do anything, to make one false move.

Anyway. So what if he doesn't get the job? I'm off to the consulate to have a chat with them about what options I have for a visa. I can always get another tourist visa, but it's just more money for me to go back and forth, and of course to reapply for my residency, along with going through the medical and police checks all over again.

And why would I bother going over there, if he has had a year to get his shit sorted out and hasn't done it? Because I need to know whether our relationship can be saved or not. The point of going would be to spend some time together and find out for sure. It's absolutely cracked, and there's a lot of work needed to repair it, but it's not ready for the scrap heap just yet.

What if I get there and find out that it IS over? Well, I come back here, I find myself a job in another city (I would like Sydney, but it might be too expensive first up, otherwise I will head north, but still within New South Wales so I'm not dealing with interstate courts - I'm not ready for that yet) and I lick my wounds and start over.

So that's pretty much where I am at. Still no idea what way things will pan out, but I remain hopeful. I have to, otherwise I will completely lose my mind.

It's awful to admit that your life isn't perfect, but no one else has a perfect life, either. I suppose I ought to be more thankful for the good things in life, once things settle down, but I probably won't be. I'll take it all for granted again.

And for the next 7 weeks, I'll count down the days of employment that are left, I'll go to the gym, I'll save my pennies. I have a few social events coming up, including a trip to Townsville to keep me busy. Once work is done, I will increase my gym trips, sell my car, then probably sit at home chewing my nails to stubs until I know which way this whole thing will pan out.