Lately I've been in Journal

deleting every facebook post I’ve ever made. I tried doing a purge, but FB is completely retarded and won’t allow me to do that. So. I’m deleting every. single. post. individually. for the past 12 or so years (since my account started).
I’m doing it through the memories function. I just turned on- notify me of all previous posts on this day- and then I delete them all. Every single day. I’ve been doing that for about 4 months now.
And, you know what has struck me? How fucking sad, lonely and depressed I was.
I definitely wasn’t hiding it. If anyone could have that excuse- and pretended that they cared about me- then they’d have to ignore every single thing that came out of my mouth.
“Feeling sad” “Feeling lonely” “kinda depressed”, “woo, I get to sleep today- my favorite passtime” were all up there in terms of frequent posts.
They have pretty damn consistent from about 12 years ago to around 8 years ago. Hm. 8 years ago. I moved away from my parents. Gee. lol

Talking to DH sometimes seems productive and sometimes not. Yesterday, he got mad and didn’t want to talk after we broached the problem of his mom and work. This morning, he is still mad- and expressed frustration at me for bringing it up again.

In other news. My aunt emailed me back. She had a lot to say about me, ostensibly. She said that I am passive, nihilistic, anxious, perhaps on social media too much, without purpose, and suggested that I find myself a passion. I didn’t respond- she hadn’t asked any questions at all- and more than that it felt like a grand statement rather than a means of connection or communicating with me.
Hm, I thought, after reading her email. None of that is true- but at the same time I feel like she is speaking to me out of some genuine place.
Still I pondered. I thought about her critiques- line by line, almost- and wondered if I had presented myself this way. But I was able to cite the empirical interactions and verify that no, I hadn’t presented myself in this way at all. So, why was she writing to me about this?
And then, I realized that she is just telling me about herself.
Now, I’m sort of proud of this moment so please just let me bask in my own wise council for a moment.

Wow! I thought to myself. Not only have I matured to such a place of non reactivity, but I’ve finally accomplished the monumental height of reflection in the moment. And oh, am I ecstatic! Oh! I have accomplished a level of humanity that remains, as far as I can tell, untouched by the masses. Oh! I have made it! My relief is palpable.
For you see.... I’ve been terrified of becoming my mother.
I looked back at the long line of repeated horror that is my heritage, and saw nothing but hostile virulence; you’re infected with our insanity and there’s nothing you can do about it-!
I have successfully reinstalled my immune system. My anti-crazy malware is updated and running.

Oh this is monumental!
I am so happy. I’ve finally found the answer- and it is not an answer as in, I am now done. The answer is a process. The answer is rationality, reason, empiricism, and commitment thereto.