Mixed Feelings and Irrationality in Journal

Yesterday, after Creep-O 5k sent me that message, I had responded & blocked, I had a pretty weird day.
In the mail, was a plain white envelope addressed to me in blue ink, return address a city where my husband’s late aunt lived. I frowned at the address(no name, just an address), wondering what in the world-? Tried to think of anyone I knew in that area.
Anyway, it turned to to be from the late aunt’s caretaker/boyfriend/trustee of her estate. There was short note, and a check for ten thousand dollars.
I read the letter first, without looking at the check. He thanked me for being a kind friend to the late aunt, and how she had so wanted to meet our new baby (which she did- the very day before she died). Even though it was so short- a mere 2 sentences, and written quickly on notebook paper, I could feel the emotional charge in the note. I cried a little bit, then turned over the check, and whispered Holy shit.

This is just… wow. Amazing. The things we can do with this money-! It is such a help to our family. It is an amazing burden lifted from our shoulders. I feel light, free, and happier. Yeah, we’re poor. This was literally a third of his yearly salary, and totally unexpected; just a happy euphoria for a while.

I started thinking, though, as is my want, of everything that might be wrong with this.
I thought- this is not a reflection of me, nor of the fact that I was a kind friend to her, because BM got the same amount; or at least, that’s what I heard. So this money is just a consequence of my filling a station- the fact that I am her nephew’s wife. And nothing more.
I thought too- is my accepting of this money somehow tacit or implicit acceptance of those Masonic organizations that she and her family were part of? Was that “stern warning” from Creep-O that morning somehow prophetic? Prophetic in a wholly insane, irrational, impossible way?

Last night, one of my dreams was about my horse. I woke up with the realization that I could get my horse back. I could have my horse. With this money, I could board him at the local barn and do chores a few days a week to work off some of the cost. I could work to get him back into shape. I could re devote all my spare time and energy to him to make sure he was taken care of, had a happy productive life, and I could ride again.
This realization- this possibility- dawned on me with incredible temptation. I know that I won’t do it- it would be unthinkably selfish- but I fantasized about it for some time. As I dreamed about my beloved horse, who is still held hostage by my mother, I began to know in my bones that this is what she wants. My mother wants me to succumb to the same temptation that she succumbed to. My mother is invested in my failure. She dangles the possibility before me like a precious jewel, smiling. All you have to do is take it… she murmurs softly.
I know that is why I cannot have a frank, open, productive conversation with my mother. She reverts to a snarling, barking witch, and openly attacks when I try. When I try to be reasonable and rational, she displays a hair raising animosity to me which reminds me poignantly of my early years. No. I will never again be manipulated by the sweet poisoned honey of her affection. Now that affection is only displaced onto my horse. It’s the same damn thing she’s always been doing.

And, just now I had the idea that my late aunt might even have told her boyfriend that she only wanted to give the money to me on the condition that we visited before her death. I thought this when pondering the circumstances- since the insurance company had already dolled out the estate according to her will some months ago. That’s why I wasn’t expecting anything at all. How could they still have more to distribute after the estate settled?

Even though my irrationality bothers me… I think it’s a good sign. If irrationality didn’t bother me. That’d be a whole lot worse.