Creep-O 5k, and Worthlessness in Journal

I’m pretty sure that I wrote about my therapy partner before. He was some dude on the server. I wanted a female partner, and posed a request reflecting as much. He insisted on being my partner. And I gave in. 3 months later, he accused me of withholding information and manipulating his neediness (or something) and admitted that he was scared of emotional infidelity. During this “big reveal”, he basically said “yes, it’s bad, and I don’t want to raise someone else’s kid- I don’t want to be around when your relationship blows up.” The context was that he became angry at me after finding out information (not related to our therapy) about my relationship and past that I hadn’t revealed to him. I think his biggest complaint was- he would have been more careful had he known more about me. Jesus
Meaning- well, what I got from that anyways- he had feelings for me and had been secretly idealizing our relationship as something more than what it was. So he decided to hold a boundary of not talking to me anymore. Great! I was highly relieved. Not only had he outed himself as an incredible creep and probable sabotuer, he was willingly removing himself from my life. Awesome.
Well, today, he broke his commitment and boundary to send me a completely random message. Which I kid you not, started out like this

“I’m breaking my silence to give you a stern warning”

And, you’ll never guess what the message was about. Anything relevant? Anything at all important, pertinent, or meaningful? No. It continues… “I’m breaking my silence to give you a stern warning to trust your gut on organizations like the Masons“

So I read the message a few times, and was like. What the actual Fuck?
What is wrong with this guy?
I began to get that feeling of un-reality again. Why are these things happening? and Is this real? It’s like I have no grounding, no connectedness to anything around me, I am just dust on the wind blown at the whimsy and random fancy of the weather.
I thought about it for a good few hours before I replied. I told him, finally, what I thought about him and how his behavior has affected me. It was an honest, brutal message. Then I blocked him.
Which feels really, really good.

It’s all starting to come together. When I really think about how I behave with people like this- anyone really- I am faced with the knowledge that I’ve been acting worthless. I am constantly taken advantage of by people like this because I have no sense of my own worth. When I am confronted with a man’s insistence, I immediately capitulate. When I am berated by my aunt, I accept it.
“I was mad at my aunt for berating me the other day-” I told my therapist. She raised her eyebrows
“Oh?” she said with some surprise
“Yeah. She called me somewhat out of the blue. I thought we would talk about family, but she just kept berating me about politics! I told her a few times, I don’t want to talk about this- I’d rather talk about something else- but she was very persistent!”
“Wow.” my therapist said in quiet thoughtfulness. “And you didn’t hang up?”
I stared at her in wonder. I could’ve hung up? I thought, flummoxed.

Now, I am embarrassed and astounded that it never occurred to me to value my own time and person hood.

Last updated January 29, 2021