let it be naked in poetry

yes, of course I am insecure
yes, of course I am doing this
partly
because I am insecure
but what you have to remember is
that's good
it's a good thing

it's good that this comes from a place of insecurity
we wouldn't be able to see
when the emperor is naked
if we weren't possessed by this feeling
this gnawing ache at the back of our heads
that breeze on our tender nether parts
the feeling that we are
ourselves
fucking starkers most of the time
I feel naked most of the time
I am as I am in my dreams
fat and naked
and as lost as a little boy his first day in school
most of the time
the point is that everybody is
everybody feels like that most of the time
we can swaddle that feeling away in lies
we can dummy it up with possessions and swagger
we can plow into denial with fleeting achievements
but most of the time we are naked and lost
most of the time we are insecure
and yes, of course that is
part of
why I'm doing this
why I do this
why anyone does
this
yes
yes, of course

anyone who posits themselves as above this
is lying or crazy
anyone who puts forth mystery and obfuscation
to make it seem like he or she
has some secret amulet or mantra or plan
to not feel like this a lot of the time
they are lying
or they are crazy
or both

don't look to a performer
or an artist
or an entertainer for your example
of how not to feel insecure
at best, we sometimes lead you along in a game of pretend
where we pantomine out how glorious it would be
to actually be sure
how goddamned fantastic it would be
to not be insecure
that's what plays
are
that's what films
are

they're a beautiful confection for a couple of hours
where meanings are concrete
and the fates are merciful or at the very least fair
but that's what it is
a fiction
a liar's game we play to take the edge off
how unsure this entire process of living a life is
the moment you look up to one of us
one of them
and think

"hey, he or she actually has it figured out"
"hey, that person really knows the secret to feeling whole"
"hey, I just need to buy their stuff and act like them to feel it too"
that's where you damn yourself and you probably damn them as well

because eventually they'll start thinking
that they have to pretend that as well when they're off the page
when they're off the stage
and they are going to go mad with the delusion
that they're supposed to be that thing you want them to be
that they have to pretend themselves into that reality
when you can't
yes, of course part of why I'm doing this
is because I am a lot of the time insecure
this is how I deal with it
this is how I try and
help people face it down too
that we might get over it a little bit
might come together in our shared fragility a little bit
pop that balloon by yelling
oh

cock cock cock
or whatever
in public

the Lakota call their benign tricksters "heyoka"
and they aren't just gods
of bringing truth through mockery and jest
they're also the spirits of lightning and thunder
bringing the gusts and tumult and upheaval
that the green might return afterward
that we might come back better for the cleansing
the reminder that we're all pretty insecure
and putting too much energy into pretending otherwise
just makes us hurt more
so I bring the thunder
cock cock cock or whatever, as I said
because okay
it's okay

it's okay to be insecure
or at least
it's something that's always going to be there
whether it's okay or not
it's like breathing
sometimes it hurts to breathe
sometimes the air is full of nasty shit
sometimes it makes a racket we rather wouldn't have
but breathing is an essential part of living
there's no point in pretending otherwise
posing to others as if
some people with the secret don't have to
if you're just cool enough
down that road, you know, is only death
figuratively and
literally, of course

don't believe an entertainer or an artist
when she or he claims a lack of insecurity
for any longer than a wink
for any longer than the performance requires
to deflate us all a little and
remind us who we really are again
for any longer than you'd believe a magician
you know it's up her sleeve
you know it's behind a mirror
or whatever
just play along when the play's the thing
then remember it's just a play and
move on

don't believe a politician
or a preacher or a businessman
or Christ knows worst of all a lover
at all when they claim security
when they claim sureness
ever
because they're not just
working through our shared kabuki
as teller and audience
going through the motions
of a depressurizing illusion
don't ever believe them
they're not only lying
they're lying about the lie
to get your money
or to get you in the sack
or to get you to kill for them
and you want so badly for a path out of this insecurity
we all do
that you'll let yourself buy into their madness
and do those things
just for a chance
for one small chance
that maybe you can escape this horror
and be sure

well
I'm sorry
you can't
and I can't either

yes, I am insecure
of course I am and
of course that's part of why I'm doing this
as my ritual
to numb the insecurity for a little while
but that's not all of it

we are in this together
as teller, you know
as secular heyoka
as agnostic shaman
as a patchwork loki or coyote under a probably godless sky
we are in this together
in our little ritual
to deflate our fears that there's a secret out of doubt
to remind each other and ourselves
that no
it is there
it will always be there
we will always be
insecure
but denying it only makes it worse
denying it only ratchets the pressure up worse
so instead
I come up here
and say rude things
and we remember that
pretending to be so holy
and serious
and secure
and sure
is at very best silly
and more likely
killing us from the inside out

and so I say
cock cock cock
with the power of a tornado
cock cock cock
with the force of a hurricane
cock cock cock
like the crash of coming thunder
but what I'm really saying is

yes, of course I'm insecure
and so are you and that's okay
we're all sure that we're insecure
so come on take a breath
come on
let's play