Tired and Bitter in Journal

I don’t want to be that way. I think that I am finding how to get out of that trap. That tired and bitter mindset which looks at the world with loathing and a “poor me” attitude. It’s an attitudinal adjustment… But more than that, it’s delineating justice.

The Tired and Bitter “poor me” stuff comes out of not taking responsibility. “how could this have happened to me?” I would wail, senselessly, at the world- without ever considering that I had created my own misery. I chose that
You know- it’s like my mom telling me “I really had no choice in the matter. Your dad spent all the money and I had to put you in daycare and go to work just to pay the bills.” Okay, mom. But you married him. You chose, dated, decided to marry, had kids, and let him blow his money those are all choices. And then, the decision that going to work was the best way to combat (enable) this, was also your choice.
It’s like burying yourself inside a sandcastle and wailing about how suffocating the world is. Jesus Christ. It’s so absurd, from the outside. But from the inside, it seems to fucking real.

Mostly because, I had internalized my mother’s irresponsibility. She wasn’t responsible for her choices, and I wasn’t allowed to blame her. That would be mean and nasty. Instead, she was a blameless victim- she was at the mercy of those around her.
And, sure, okay. That was true during her childhood. I understand that this was a survival strategy for her growing up. Yet, as an adult, it’s just another avenue of self deception. It’s an excuse to abuse your kids. And that, she had all the power and ability to change about herself.

Justice is nothing more or less than giving people what they deserve. Including myself. My mother deserves nothing from me; in fact she owes me a hell of a lot. One cannot simply decide, as on a whim, to forgive these debts. That would not be justice. That would be utter failure to give her responsibility for her decisions in life. And, how would she then ever learn? I would be no better than her, making excuses for dad’s behavior and going to work to pay for his habits while abandoning my children. If I just decided to forgive her, that debt doesn’t just go away. Lady Justice is blind. She’s blind because it really doesn’t matter who it is or why they did it; that debt is empirical. It cannot be wished away.
So it’s just an acknowledgement, really. It’s me refusing to pretend any longer that evil is good, that no one was really responsible, that I’m not responsible. And that gives me power to act.