Trying to Fight, but I'm Just too Tired to Hold on in General Mental Anesthesia

That sums it up.

A lifelong insomniac managing to survive before a deluge of chronic health issues took over and destroyed a life I fought so hard to create which has all but withered itself into a barely measurable pool of shallow breaths and dissonance.

I realize that sounds convoluted, but it’s true.

It’s tough enough dealing with insomnia. It’s difficult to just get a prescription for it, and I tried them all, nothing works! Actually, Ambien does, but only the name brand. I’ve had it 5 or 6 times when hospitalized with no adverse effects, but I can’t get the name brand approved by my insurance at home, just Zolpidem, and that shit sucks!!! I don’t tolerate it well at all.

When I nearly died from my ulcerative colitis back in 1998, I was also diagnosed with adrenal fatigue. That was caused by the overuse of Prednisone which suppresses the adrenal glands and/or stops the production of cortisol.

Think of cortisol as nature’s built-in alarm system. It’s your body’s main stress hormone. It works with certain parts of your brain to control your mood, motivation, and fear.

Your adrenal glands – triangle-shaped organs at the top of your kidneys – make cortisol.

Cortisol is best known for helping fuel your body’s “fight-or-flight” instinct in a crisis, but cortisol plays an important role in a number of things your body does. For example, it:

Manages how your body uses carbohydrates, fats and proteins
Keeps inflammation down
Regulates your blood pressure
Increases your blood sugar (glucose)
Controls your sleep/wake cycle
Boosts energy so you can handle stress and restores balance afterward.

Now, for anyone following me, of course you know my GI’s have had me on tons of Prednisone, but I’ve refused it since February, 2020. However… with all my respiratory issues… allergies, eosinophilic asthma and pulmonary embolisms, I’m still on a TON of steroids, just steroids of a different kind, but they do similar damage to the body.

I’ve been complaining about being tired for… FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!! Beyond tired, beyond exhausted. For years, and it’s just been getting worse, especially over the past year with having to use 3 different inhalers and a nebulizer, and still I’m coughing constantly.

Plus, you know… side effects of the plethora of meds I’m on (many of which are drowsiness) and anemia of course; I did just have another iron transfusion, which in typical Jay fashion took 3 needles and about 30 to 40 (pushing in and out and in and out because they couldn’t get a vein to work!)

Not only am I having difficulty falling asleep, but I’m having difficultly waking up if I do. My arms feel like they weigh a thousand pounds. My eyes sting and burn. Throughout the day, I can’t sleep, but I can’t keep my eyes open. I do fall asleep in the late afternoon, my eyes just won’t stay open, no matter where I am, but not for long, 20 minutes, 30… and no matter what sleep I do get, I never feel rested.

I’ve had mono once, it feels a lot like that. I don’t know if it’s just adrenal fatigue or chronic fatigue syndrome (which runs in my family) or something else, but I’m so tired.

I also can’t concentrate on anything, my thoughts are scattered all the time. I’m thinking about one thing, and then I’m immediately lost, like… where was I?

And I don’t know if this is related or not, but I’ve been breaking out in hives for days! Mostly on my legs, my calves, ankles and back of my knees. Probably stress related if I had to guess; I’m definitely feeling it, and the ulcerative colitis has been in peak form (which is not complimentary). I was sick 15x yesterday and I’ve been sick 17x today so far (the most since August of last year) and I’m bleeding A LOT! The pain has been such that I’m just laying around in my boxers with my hand in my waistband Al Bundy style constantly moaning in pain. It’s never ending!!!

You know… you have a day (or more to the point, a few hours one day when the pain meds work and the pain level is say a 6 out of 10) then you have several days (like the last few I’ve been in) where the pain is a constant 9.5 or 9.7 out of 10). I mean, the truth is… you don’t want to keep surviving. What the fuck for? Let someone else be tough, let someone else teach life lessons. Haven’t I been punished enough? If you’ve been following me, you would probably agree, and that’s just based on the last few years of my health, not the 4.5 years of homelessness I suffered or being mugged or stabbed, dying twice or the nearly 2 decades of child abuse. So why? Just why do I have to have 3 or 4 days of constant bleeding and cramping near 10 out of 10 pains with no sleep and no relief? And why does it have to happen over and over again? I have all these pills… Why can’t they just work? Why do they work a little bit just 10% of the time?

I can’t even update the GOFUNDME page because of technical issues. The page works, just not the editor as of late and gfm doesn’t have a phone number so you can’t call them which is frustrating. Nobody wants to have to go through e-mail correspondence it’s a real pain and frankly, I’m too tired to deal with any of it, but I really need to update. :( I owe it to everyone that has helped me and that has shared the page to their social networks and their churches and wherever else. I’ve heard all kinds of stories, so, updating is really important, and it’s important to me that I keep in touch with everyone that has shown me support over the years. I want them to know that I care.

I’m still looking for a disability lawyer too. I have 3,000 pages of medical records, you’d think it’d be easy. It ‘should’ be one of the easiest cases in the country! But I wouldn’t be the first person to say there’s no justice in America. Not even the first white person… maybe the first white Jewish person though…

If karma exists, reincarnation must also exist because I haven’t done anything in this life to deserve all this, I genuinely haven’t. I believe I’m a good person. I live to give. I spent half my career working with a non profit organization and I wish to start my own. I don’t know, I just don’t understand.

Last updated January 25, 2021