My Anger is in Journal

gone. It’s gone!
I didn’t will it away, or wish it away, or anything like that.
I just stood up for myself. I defined my boundaries, and I defended them. Angrily, sure. I defended them with anger and sometimes a bite or two, when they were inevitably invaded.
But, I am not angry when I’m not being crossed.

J messaged me asking if she could get my son anything for his first birthday. I felt nothing. Well. I was mildly surprised that she asked. I’m glad that she asked, and told her so, because I’d rather she ask than just get something we don’t want and will end up throwing out later.
I responded to J with little more than answers to her questions. And, that feels good. She didn’t pry or try to name or label or insinuate anything. I feel relieved that she didn’t do those things.
I remember the last time she did ask me a question, and I answered with as much explanation as I was willing to give her, she blatantly accused me of being depressed. She wanted to see my son, of course, and was going to use this excuse of I’m so worried that you’re depressed and I just wanted to give you some time to yourself! I called bullshit. Well. I was actually very polite. I just said “Thanks for the offer but I’m not comfortable with that.”
Yet it was her invasive suggestion that I was depressed that crossed a boundary. At the time, I didn’t really know that that was what it was that made me so angry. It’s not that she was worried. It’s not her offering help. It’s the fact that she dare use her maternal influence against me in this way. It was highly manipulative and coercive.
She was testing whether I would let her do it. I mean… she did do it. But she didn’t get away with it without my anger chasing down the real aggression. The real problem.
And, my anger pounced on her very next response- which was to accuse me of withholding her grandchild.
I feel my anger coming up again. Because this was a betrayal. It was a deep and spiteful aggressive strike. She attempted to lower my defenses by being concerned, and then BAM- “You are trying to hurt me!” she wailed.
I don’t trust her.
She doesn’t care about me. She never did.

And that’s why I’m not angry anymore. At least, I think that’s why. It’s because I’ve removed the threat.
But, I still feel vulnerable. I am still open to her manipulations. I still need to hold her at a distance.
For how long? I don’t know. Forever? Probably not forever. I think it may take some time, though. Especially if she continues to pester me about her shit. Not that I don’t care about her. But I don’t trust her. She has never earned or even tried to earn my trust. So when she comes to me with her problems, I am defensive. I cannot open myself to her without becoming vulnerable.
And that is how she hurts me. That is how she’s done it every time in the past.