Back Down To Earth in Ultimate Randomness

So reality has set back in, and probably none too soon. I went out for lunch today and it occurred to me why I should just be alone. My problem is that I tend to forget what I am at the first sign of something good. I forget that I have not fixed a single thing in my life. I break things. I have not accomplished anything of use since I graduated high school. What's worse, I drag other people into it. If I had just ignored my own needs and done what was right for everyone else, I would have removed myself from my life as soon as high school ended. Not to worry, I'm not suicidal again. But I do realize that I am not good for people. I want to be, and in trying to have people in my life, I ignore the needs of others and focus solely on what I want. As a result, I have ruined people's lives, and somehow have convinced them all that they want me to be a part of their lives and they are happy that I have been. And they want me to be happy. I just don't get it. How do they not realize they would be better off without me? And every time I get a little bit of happiness, I draw more people into the mess that is my life. I can't stop screwing up and it hurts other people. My ex, my parents, my friends. And to think, I was trying to bring someone else into all this. I'm glad that D has not gotten attached to me yet, wanting to be around me enough that she pursues it. Fortunately, it hasn't gotten to the point where she will message me and that is just as well. She has a good life and having me in it will just cause problems. I mean, because of me, my ex has little to no relationship with most of her family and she really only has one friend that she feels comfortable seeing on a regular basis. Because of me, my parents moved here, where their marriage finished falling apart. The people who have managed to get away from me have things much better. Both of my best friends growing up have successful jobs that they enjoy and seem to be doing pretty well. My sister, who lives back home, has a happy marriage, a new baby, and family there to care for her. All of my exes are either married or in serious relationships and seem to be happy. The people who have erased me completely from their lives all seem to be doing very well. And I am happy for them. And I am sorry for the people who's lives I am so deeply intertwined with. They will have a much harder time getting away from me. Even if I were to just leave, all my debts and other problems would fall on someone, which is the only reason I haven't run off. I have caused enough problems, I don't want to be responsible for more problems. I let me get ahead of myself, exactly what I didn't want to do. I forgot about reality, which I have torpedoed. Some people just aren't meant to be successful in life. In every game, there are winners and there are losers. It is the way that the universe maintains balance. I really just need to accept that, despite all the gifts and tools that I was given, I was not meant to have a good life. That is the counterbalance for someone who was given nothing in life who miraculously grows up to do big things. The balance has to be maintained, and if my happiness is the cost for someone who will do great things in life after having nothing, so be it. There are worse things I could be than the cost of someone else's successful, happy life who deserves it after having nothing their whole lives. I really just need to get to the point where I can accept that and help people who want the best for me to accept that too. I just wish I knew the answers. I don't do much good if I have to figure it out myself.