On FB Again in Journal

And I commented on a “If you did this then you’re a big fat blank” post.
And, it went well. It really did.
I can’t help but contrast what happened (internally, for me personally) this time versus last time. Which was over 6 months ago, now.

The exact same vitriolic, slandering and retarded attacks ensued. Absolutely no one was curious or even addressed my argument. But, I wasn’t about to question why. I don’t care anymore. I commented with a purpose; I was genuinely curious if my best friend, my maid of honor at my wedding, would give a shit that her friends and buddies would attack me in this way over a very sober, reasonable comment that gently let people know that there are 2 sides to every argument.
I think I knew that she wouldn’t. But I wanted to be sure. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that people care about each other.
But, she doesn’t. They don’t.

Sigh. I have only to decide what to do with the information that I’ve gathered. She’s a pitiful, useless thing. She rails against anyone who should have the audacity to have personal preferences about their own lives, and quakes in the face of a gentle reminder that others feel offended by her railing. She shrinks in the face of any adversity. Even me. I feel torn. Because I gave up a lot for her. She was always without food or good clothes or basic hygiene. I gave her half my lunches for 10 years. I gave her half of everything I had. And we were just kids, sure. I know we were just kids. But she turns around and lays out a path of crumbs, and watches as her friends eviscerate me in public.
It’s a different kind of betrayal. It’s odd, you know… I don’t feel much. I wonder if it’s because I know I’ve done everything I could do. I did more than can be ever asked. I loved her. And now she hates me.

I can’t sacrifice for these people anymore. I just can’t afford to. I have a baby, now. I need to surround myself with people who actually care about me. Who actually care about my family and my son.
I am sad that I never could find enough self worth for myself to do this before. Well, in my adult life at least. When I was a child, of course I had no choice. In fact, I was told repeatedly that I was not worth much. I was told that I was not worth my mother’s time or energy to raise. I was told that I was worth less than her paycheck. I knew in my bones that there was nothing I could ever do to be worthwhile to her.
Learning something new takes a long time. First impressions are everything. Everything that I knew in the world, about the world, was formed and developed during those critical years that I was left.
Well, I was left and never recovered. Until I recovered myself.