January 7, 2021 in In My World

I couldn’t find my pill bottle last night and it spiked my anxiety so bad. I take the same empty
pill bottle and put my morning pills in it every night and take it downstairs with me so I always know whether or not I took my pill, and then putting the next mornings pills in the bottle reminds me to take my night pill. I couldn’t definitively remember if I took my pills when I got up yesterday or not so not having the bottle made me start to panic. I didn’t have a panic or anxiety attack, thankfully, but it was awful at any rate. I woke up at noon and the next thing I knew it was 2:14. I woke up to messages between my brother and sister about my grandma being racist…no surprises there. She “loved the guy in pelosis seat, something about what is this world coming to when a black reverend from atlanta is “chosen” to be senator”. She’s ignoring major family issues like they don’t exist (that I can’t talk about.) as well, so no surprise there either. Then, after coming upstairs, I found out that she took the pill bottle to put her loose tylenol and imodium in. “Oh it was worn out, I figured it was safe to take”. Talking about the ONLY worn out one in a bowl full of empty pill bottles with perfect or no labels. It’s such a small thing but it’s just another reminder that my things aren’t mine. I ended up taking it back but it has “tylenol/imodium” written on it in pen and it’s just another reminder. This probably seems silly or like something that shouldn’t be so upsetting but I’ve been using the same pill bottle for MONTHS and she knows this because I’d thought shed thrown it out a couple months ago and it turns out she just put it in the pile of things that are mine. It’s a big deal to me because it’s mine and it’s my routine. I don’t have any other routines, I need this one. I need this constant. Now it just doesn’t feel like mine anymore but I can’t make myself use another one. I’m still so fucking mad. The only one with a worn label, You know, cause I was using it.

I just wish she had enough respect for me to ASK before touching/moving/taking/throwing out my things. It’s been like this my whole life and people wonder why I’m a control freak about where things go (sometimes, I’m getting better about it). (It’s an anxiety thing.). There have been constant issues with shit like this. She gets mad at me for being angry that she fucked with my things, like I’M the bad guy. Fuck. I didn’t mean for this rant to go on and on, I’m just really fucking fed up and done.

Anyway, Moving on. I came upstairs and planted myself in my chair. I was going to go through and sort some pokemon cards but I couldn’t find the binder I was looking for. I ended up organizing the card table a little bit. Protector and I got into a conversation/argument over the shit that happened yesterday which also spiked my anxiety. He was upset with me pretty much the whole rest of the night, too. He keeps saying I have a tone or that he’s “responding to my tone” when in all reality, he started it. He always takes me being anxious as me being pissy or “having an attitude” and refuses to acknowledge that 1.) It is anxiety. and 2.) That I’m not directing it at him just because I’m speaking in an angry way. Whatever. That’s a different story for a different day. I napped from like 8-8:20 and then ate a bowl of cereal.

The only other notable thing that happened is that Protector and I watched Deep Blue Sea. It’s a good movie and it definitely had a few moments I wasn’t expecting at all. This reminds me, I need to start keeping a list of things we watched when, again.

I put on Gimmie Shelter after that and watched the whole thing because I couldn’t sleep…again. Fuck this noise. I either sleep constantly or not at all.

....I feel like i’m whining a lot and complaining when there’s nothing to complain about but bare with me. I’m stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed and I needed to get it out of my head.

I’m am grateful for:

1.) Watching Deep Blue Sea with Protector
2.) Getting some sleep. Even if it was more than I intended.
3.) Remembering to take my pills yesterday
4.) Short naps
5.) My brother and sister understanding where I come from most of the time
6.) My mom for listening to me all the time
7.) Not having a panic attack
8.) Macaroni and Cheese eating the wormer mixed with their food
9.) The soft sloth blanket
10.) Being able to find 10 things to be grateful for on a rough day

Good/Happy/Positive/Surprising things that happened today:

1.) Getting to watch Deep Blue Sea with Protector
2.) Protector feeding me nilla wafers 😅😅
3.) Watching Gimmie Shelter
4.) Cinnamon Life Cereal
5.) Protector curling up with me even though we were both in a grumpy mood
6.) Movies fixing everything
7.) Beans aggressively nuzzling my face, my hands, and my neck.
8.) Christmas lights even though they’re falling down
9.) Napping all rolled up in the chair for like 20 minutes
10.) Finding my pill bottle even if it did stress me out a little more.

Goals I had for today:
-Work on some of the master to-do
-Shower
-Get some sleep

Things I accomplished today:
-Got some sleep
-Wrote an entry
-Watched a movie with Protector
-Did I even do anything else?

Goals for tomorrow:
-Survive day 3 of work
-Write an entry
-Ask MW about the car part
-Start a when we watched what movie list

Goodnight <3

-I’m finally caught up on entries…so like woooo....lets all pretend I wrote them each day like I intended.