Still Lost in Journal

Still don’t know what to do. I want so badly for someone to tell me what to do.
And it’s not lost on me that, at my most vulnerable, those that respond with advice or edicts are just manipulators and insecure in their own integrity.
Vulnerable… needy… lost…
these are all descriptions of what its like to be a child with bad parents. Adults with these traits are physically grown human beings with huge holes in their hearts hollowed out by the callous disregard or blatant abuse of their parents.
Depression is not an illness like cancer. Depression is a virus that is transmitted with hateful intent from parent to child. It is seething anger or the spiteful withdrawal of owed love and attention.

I had a dream last night about attention. Because, I’m starved of attention.
I was starved as a child and I became bitter and resentful of adults. Especially my dad.
I am starved now, and I am quickly resenting that my due is being withheld.

Thing is, when you’re self conscious and don’t have integrity, attention is painful. Yes, it hurts deeply and opens all that scar tissue again.
Also, if you yourself have that wounded inner child that never received their due attention, giving it to someone else seems impossible and almost vampiric on the part of your partner. It’s like they’re sucking the life out of you; precious life energy that you can’t spare and need in order to simply sustain yourself.