Breaking Open in Everyday Ramblings

A half hour after I logged out from work yesterday I left and walked over to the studio. It takes just over an hour if I walk fast. When I got there I couldn’t get in. The dead bolt was locked and I don’t have a key. I sent an electronic note to the studio manager who I thought might be upstairs with a client. (She is an acupuncturist as well as a yoga teacher.) She often stops by just before class and I was hoping for that.

My one loyal student arrived on time and appropriately dressed and we waited. (She just started at Weight Watchers this week, go her!) Finally 10 minutes after class time she drove me home. It was too cold, windy really, to do a practice outdoors. A half hour later I received an unhelpful message saying I should have just come upstairs and asked for the key and she (the studio manager) didn't know what had happened. Maybe a workman securing things after the breakin.

My contract with the studio is up mid-June and I am thinking about finding a space to teach closer to home. I washed up and fed Sammy and grabbed my camera and went out for more walking but this time specifically to take pictures. These are the orange rhododendrons coming on up on the corner. I just love the color even though I know it isn't exactly Easterish.

I am having the worst trouble with communicating with people in my life right now.

Everything seems to get misconstrued or I imagine an edge and it is all sort of yucky. I woke up at 3:30 AM and just decided to stay awake. I posted an iris photo on my Nokorose blog. I wrote my 750 Words. I did a full on energizing yoga practice specifically for depression which was quite helpful.

Kes has been spending time with her stressed out husband (Academia is not the most relaxed place to be right now, everybody is scrambling for money), living in the midst of a kitchen remodel and traveling up to Seattle to care for and hang out with my oldest sister. She's also had a fairly heavy social calendar and is taking a special walking class. I am supposed to take the bus down to their place next Thursday morning for our semi-annual long weekend away at the Oregon Coast where the wild bunnies live.

Yesterday I offered to stay home instead so she could have the beach place to herself and get some down time. With the Seattle contingent of the family coping with the difficulty of my sister's illness this has all thrown some unaddressed family dynamics in high relief and honestly I think I need a break.

I am tired, just tired. We Americans work way too hard for what purpose I am not so sure. My family that is usually my refuge is not available to be that right now. I need someplace or someone that can fill that role. And in the meantime I obviously need to get some professional help, darn it.

I have tried what feels like so hard to make a supportive life for myself since losing Mr. Finch. (It will be four years in a couple of weeks.) But for some reason I am not making skillful choices in some areas and the support just isn't there.

Being self-contained and fiercely independent has its drawbacks when one is a social animal and one lives in times that where resources are less abundant and folks are working ever harder just to maintain.

I feel like I am finally cracking open.

Maybe in this place the light will have a way to make its way in.

One can hope. And isn't that what Easter is all about? Hope?