Wake in Current Events

Over the last few days, old unprocessed energies, emotions, have been coming to the surface. This is forcing me to rumble with them but I am dragging that out. I had them all buried for a reason. However, I know they’ve come to the surface for a reason also. A lot of us become very skilled at pretending that pain isn’t happening. We’re not hurting when we’re drunk, high, eating junk food, making that purchase, hooking up, having that affair and so on. I’ve made a lot of attachments, habits, that helped me soothe and I worked through but I left the bigger ones buried. A few days ago it started, all of my suppressed memories of Roarke washed over me. I am co-creator and what I’ve been hiding from, with that experience, is that I was equally as toxic to him as he was to me. I’m not a good person I’m a whole person. My unfinished feelings about Ryan is starting to bubble up the other day also. I say unfinished because we were in the middle of some drama when he passed away. I never even cried at his funeral. He crosses my mind every single day. He was like an older brother to me. He was wise and direct. My memories of him, however, are of him and his pain. His demons that he couldn’t beat.

I am being pressured, in my dreams, to visit my relationship with my sexuality and my relationship with my body, its appearance. My vanity. I’m still attached to my ego, a lot of the old structures have broken down but I have not been able to let go of identifying with my body. I have not looked at my face all year in the mirror. I just look at what I need to and then get out of it. I get flustered just thinking about it. I don’t want to lose the image that I have of myself in my mind. That filtered and photoshopped version of me that I used to put on the wild wild web to get likes. I can’t get closer to “my truth” unless I visit these. I need to look in the mirror and force myself to grieve over every wrinkle, every hair follicle that is lost and every acne scar that is not going away. I need to visit my sexuality and discover why I am afraid of it. It’s always been a rocky relationship because of many reasons.

I need to visit my relationship with money. It’s been a rocky one my whole adulthood. Its control over me, my emotions, is strong. Paralytic even.

I’m catching myself trying to attach to socialist media to escape the torture that comes with rumbling with the dense energies. It makes me feel guilty trying to escape, lucky for everyone my presence on my socials is shrinking. My spiritual journey is what I was supposed to be working on. I got distracted in June when I tried to connect to the world again but couldn’t. The news was fake and it was creating fake people. Life is not that way. That created a separate journey. One where I am searching for the truth. I discovered that this is where a lot of us on a spiritual quest wined up. In the rabbit hole. Everyone else s plugged into the matrix and they’re emotionally hijacked. I feel like I have a responsibility to try and shake them out of it but it doesn’t go anywhere. They cleave to the fake food, fake news, fake selves and fake world. This is a spiritual underworld. We are individual souls or consciousness having a temporary human experience. Humanity is suffering and chasing its tail because everybody is identifying with things that are not them. They are held down by fear. They do not want to know what can be known. Enlightenment is just knowing that you do not know everything. It’s like trying to drain an ocean with a spoon. I know I sound esoteric here. Most of what we think is real does not exist in the real world but only in our concepts.

Gratitude is a weapon of mass creation that I need to work on as well. It’s like, I can’t keep up with everyone else when they talk about this stuff. This manifestation. When they talk about frequencies and energy and various levels of consciousness. The mind is capable of so much more than we know. They sounded science fiction to me before and now I am starting to understand. In my own limited way. It’s a learning process that makes me feel alive. Life is full of wonder and adventure again. Like a child with imagination again. I’m not spiritually dead. I participate with the 3D, the matrix, this agreement we were born into but I do not feel like I belong to it. I’m only discovering what my mind is capable of and then how to implement it all. I need to attach to a higher paradigm, a higher perspective and stay connected to it. That is the real world. Life is that way. It feels like a fall from grace whenever I let this fake one eat away at my soul. I need to keep my mind open to it. I remind myself of the discoveries I’ve made about my body, the things I didn’t know it could. The mind must have hidden abilities as well. Speaking of discovering my body, this is TMI but we may or may not know that I can have NEMO’s (neverending multiple orgasms) and I have been trying to grow those into full-body ones. Yesterday I managed to experience that orgasm on my tongue and my gums. That was new.

Yesterday I had the house to myself and spent a huge portion of my day in the kitchen. I listened to some banned TedTalks. They discussed some fascinating stuff about the cosmos and our consciousness and how they relate to each other. I would love for us to have a renaissance and just explore new ideas and beliefs. I feel like humanity is on its way to that. It’s going to through hell first. 2020 has been a complete system failure. 2021, I believe, is when the matrix will self-destruct. I don’t know if light and love will prevail or if dark and fear will prevail trapping us in this matrix even longer. These TedTalks that I was watching, one of them casually said something that I think we’ve all thought about. He was talking about our souls, our consciousness and the big question if it is generated in the brain or if it is a signal from the cosmos inside our bodies. Part of this spiritual awakening is realizing that we are not our bodies, we are not our emotions and then the big one is that we are not our minds. We can remove all our memories and still be you. That you, that true self, is godlike. Its power is potentiality. You can just decide to think differently, to believe differently and to behave differently and create a whole new life or world.

Anyway, I am trying to master meditating today. Patience is and I are not friends. Impatience is my most toxic trait and I don’t understand why I experience it when I try to meditate. Meditation is supposed to be a way to separate me, temporarily, from these beliefs, emotions and body and connect me to self. To christ consciousness, to god. Whatever you want to call it. Nothing exists as words.