Trying Not To Get Ahead Of Myself (Pt. 1) in Ultimate Randomness

I guess the title says it all, at least if you have read the last few entries here. I really don't know if anyone has been, but for the first time in a long time, I am not necessarily writing for approval, for comfort, for validation. Now, if you have been reading my diary and have provided those things, I really do appreciate it. Even if you haven't commented, even if you read and felt for a second what I felt, I am sure some part of me knew. And if it your first time reading one of my entries, well, you might feel a little lost. Sorry about that. I have hashed and rehashed every aspect of my life ad nauseum for the last couple months and have really tried to move past it. Sure, it is a part of my life and therefore, a part of me. Things like that shape a person. How it shapes that person depends heavily on the person. It can crush them, like it did me for a long time, or it can make them wiser, like I hope it is starting to. So if you have been reading along the last few entries, you know about D, at least a little bit. There was a time I would have thought I was falling for her, despite the fact that I hardly know her. Hell, there's a time where I would have bugged her every single night. Not that I don't want to talk to her every night. The conversations are always interesting, especially for me, though she says that she finds them thoroughly entertaining as well, even if it isn't for the same reasons I do. I know part of her has to be amused just with the effect she has on me. She doesn't goad me on for no reason. She definitely does it for some reason. Last night, I had mentioned to her that I have had certain fantasies involving her, and she told me that since I am the writer, I should describe one of them to her. Honestly, I didn't describe a whole lot, but it is fair to say she got the point. I admitted that it was because of the picture she had as her profile picture on Facebook. She didn't understand how a picture of her just smiling would provoke such a reaction, then told me she would change her profile pic to a more provocative one to prove to me she had worse ones. She was right about the picture, it was definitely more provocative. I had a decidedly male reaction to it, and took some liberties with myself while looking at it. Which I freely admitted to her and called myself a bad, bad person. She told me I shouldn't feel bad about doing that, cause she would be in huge trouble if it was. Very fun for me to try and imagine.

But there is a reason I mention all of this stuff in our conversations. It isn't the first time I have had conversations like this via messaging with girls. My ex and the one before that both were on receiving ends of these conversations with me. But somehow, this feels different. It could be because I don't really know exactly what she thinks of it. Honestly, I think she finds it amusing, but I highly doubt she has a sexual interest in me. I'm not really surprised, nor does it hurt my feelings. We have been around each other, but I am not one of those guys that any girl just goes goo-goo over. I am pretty average looking, I have a little bit of a gut, I am not built, hung, etc. Frankly, if I attract a woman, it is going to be with my personality. One thing I do know for sure is that I make her laugh and keep her pretty entertained. I mean, we talked for 4 hours Friday and another 2 and a half hours last night. I must be at least somewhat entertaining. And I haven't scared her off. She still wants to hang out with me and go bowling. She made a point of telling me she would be back from her trip Thursday, leaving Friday night open possibly. We haven't discussed that yet, but I am sure to bring it up this week. Despite all the overtly sexual things I have said to her, and I have admitted that, given the opportunity, I would jump her in a second, we are both understanding that we want to have a friendship right now. Yeah, I may want a little bit more too, but as the title says, I am really trying not to get ahead of myself. I have little desire to look ahead. Not because I am scared, but because I am good. In our conversations, we have an easy comfort with each other that I have not felt in a long time.

See, what I am feeling right now is that I am headed in the right direction. For some reason, this just feels right to me in a way I am not sure I have ever felt before. With the ex, yes I felt comfortable and loved at points in our marriage, but there was always a sort of unease for me. When it became more than a simple friendship, I had to find a way to be ok with her past. She was more experienced than I was and had been a little wild in her early college years while I was quiet and shy. Despite talking about sex with her, I had never had it. Dealing with her past was something I had to learn how to do over time, which took a change on my part. I had to understand and accept that the past is the past and should have no effect on the present. Of course, you should probably know that it did if you read other entries. I always felt like I had to measure up to some standard, and after awhile, I felt like I was never enough for her. Depression and self-confidence issues killed me. That feeling that I was not enough for her is what destroyed first our sex life and then our marriage. It took a long time and she put up with my crap as long as she could, alot longer than she probably should have, but I am starting to understand that she really did love me and it killed her to have to do what she ultimately needed to do. With her, in the beginning, I was waiting for a shoe to drop. When she told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, I started waiting for the other shoe to drop, which it finally did after a time. Honestly, it has been like that in all of my relationships. I just felt like I was never good enough, and then I became not good enough. Well, I had written quite a bit more, but somehow I deleted a bunch of this entry, so I will stop here for now and pick it up again tomorrow in part 2. Good night all.