Why Don't You Love Me? in A Childhood Lost

I am plagued by so much self- blame.
People point it out to me all the time. “But, that isn’t your fault,” they say. “Why are you taking responsibility for that?” or “You’re So much nicer than I would be.”
That last one really hits because, I don’t feel nice. I feel like garbage! It’s an absolutely garbage feeling to not be loved. To grow up in a family, a household, where I wasn’t only not loved, but was hated.

I used to think- I just have a melancholic personality. I am just sort of neurotic. I’m high in neuroticism. That’s a female trait, right? That’s why I’m sad all the time. That’s why I feel bad. That’s why no one really cares for me. It’s why no one loves me.
But, no… I think the melancholy, the neuroticism, is symptomatic of being unloved, of being hated.

Something goes wrong. Like DH blows me off yet again, and I blame myself. What have I done to deserve this? or How do I keep pushing him away??
Instead of getting angry at him, I self flagellate. And that is not helpful. It’s not rational. It’s not the natural reaction of being offended. He offends me, and I hurt myself. That is not normal. It’s not good. It’s not moral. It’s not justice.

If someone punched me in the face, what would a normal, rational, healthy reaction be? Well, it would be anger- if the attacker did it on purpose. If it was an accident, I think anger would still well be warranted, but judicious discussion would have to take place to make amends for the injury.
But, that is not the way that I react. I react with- oh my god, my face was so offensive that I was just somehow asking to be punched!

I think that this is my dad. This is my escape from my dad’s hatred of me. Of course, in real life, there was no escape. I was powerless to make him love me. His hatred was inescapable. So my defense was to internalize that hatred. I could control myself. I could cut that part of myself right out- and hate it. I could blame it for everything that went wrong. It was the reason my dad hated me. And so, I hated it.