Invisible. in A Childhood Lost

I feel happy. Elated. Relieved. Free

J (my mother) came out and told me exactly what I needed to hear. For that, I feel incredibly grateful. I mean, wow! It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. A weight that I hadn’t been aware of. Well. Not consciously aware of.

J sent me an email this morning in response to a NVC (non violent communication) styled letter that I had sent her. Because I was thinking- I will never get to the bottom of this unless I really really just sit down and pour out my heart. I need to spill it all- my vulnerabilities, my fear, my anxiety, and my terror.
So, I did. I wrote a letter that was short enough to avoid being overwhelming for the recipient (which is really hard when you’re trying to express what’s in your heart) and avoid any kind of blame, and just long enough to get some genuine feelings across. I think I did a pretty darn good job. I felt really good about it. I still feel really good about it. I managed to break through that icey desolation of my exterior and say what I really felt, and refrained from judging or blaming. And then I asked J- how did this land for you?

And you know what? She responded honestly. I cannot blame her for not trying. I really can’t. I’m glad he tried to be honest and direct. And I’m incredibly happy about that. I’m grateful that she is being honest with me, finally. Thinking back on all those smarmy moments makes me feel ill. Physically. But this is so much better.

She blames me, without irony, for expressing my feelings and then telling me that I just need to not feel that way. And then we can proceed with expressing our feelings.
Part of me wants to be snarky and sarcastic here but instead I will just quote what she wrote. Her response is bolded.
“”I don’t feel that I can express myself around you. I feel bulldozed.”? Then stop feeling like I’m bulldozing you and say what you feel so we can effectively communicate.“

“In my response to your September letter, in which you said “I felt your anger and frustration”, I asked HOW DO YOU KNOW? I ask yet again. How do you know? Are you a mind-reader? Did you ask me? What is really in your heart comes out in your words so yes I can see what you are feeling…sort of. If I’m wrong then correct me. It’s that easy.“

“If you want me to know how you feel, you need to just tell me. I am not comfortable asking for your feelings in the moment.“

“Are you going to insert your own reality about what I am thinking, feeling, and saying? Yes I am. This is called compassion and wanting to connect with you. If you assume that you know what I’m thinking and feeling, that I am labeling you, attacking you, angry at you, whatever, but never check in with me to see if your perceptions are accurate, Well, you can always correct me if I’m wrong.“

That was the part that she was responding to me, and the rest is her telling me that our communication issues is my fault and I need to correct my emotions and perceptions. She’ll be around graciously awaiting my apology. “M, if you feel invisible and unheard then stop feeling that way.
If you can’t change your perspective and manage how others treat you then you should not have a relationship with them. If they continue to hurt you then don’t allow them to. You own that. Why would you take all the love that I have given you, shown you, supported you and change it into something that isn’t? I say this with love, I’m very concerned about your outlook. You need to be a light that W and others will see. You cannot be invisible with some and a light for others. It’s all that you are. Be that light that has compassion and understanding for others as well as for yourself. Change your perspective. I am your Mother like it or not. I did many things right as a Mom. I have heard you about the past, acknowledged, owned and apologized for the mistakes I made and I have made changes. I truly want us to get to a point of acceptance so that we can move forward in our relationship. If you cannot accept me for who I am today then we should not communicate. I do not want W to see or experience this type of relationship between us or think that it is OK not to have a relationship with your own Mother. But then, that is not my decision to make.”

So.
I have closure.