I feel Good in Journal

I feel really good about where I’m going. Not where I’m at. But… where I’m going is pretty great.
I had dreams last night about telling the truth. I kept turning on everyone who was trying to blow smoke up my ass about how great I am blah blah and telling them they’re a really shitty friend.
Friends don’t enable narcissism.
Telling the truth is… hard. It’s hard, but it is necessary. It’s necessary to be happy. I’m aware enough that in my dream, I realize that I’m condemning parts of myself. The parts that justify lying. Lying is okay if you have a gun to your head! You’d rather lie than be dead!
Well, sure. I’d rather lie than be dead. But, I gotta break it to you guys; I’m not in danger anymore. Fear, you’re way out of touch. You’re out of control. You’re going about things trying to protect me from horrible outcomes that just aren’t realistic.
Please be reassured that I have sympathy. A lot of sympathy. I can’t blame you for trying to protect me, Fear. You were created in a time when I had no ability, no effect on the world. I was helpless. And you were there to protect me, Fear. I’m so grateful for that.
But now, I am not helpless. I have effect in my life. I have ability. We really need to have a heart to heart and make sure you know that. Really know it, in your bones. Because, what we’re doing now is hurting me, it’s hurting other people, it’s hurting my child.

There is something to say about endeavoring to provide for others what you wish you had. There is something exceptional about that. There is something exquisitely pleasurable, and also intimately painful. It is more real than anything I’ve ever done.