Why do I do it? in Journal

So I sent J (my mom) an email basically telling her to stop with all the shit.
Yeah, I was angry. Why? Well. I told her like 3 times that I’m not willing to put up with her projections anymore. Yet I continue to respond.
The ruts are worn deep. It’s.... automatic. But I have free will. So it’s my fault.
Plus. Well. My brother has been something of a topic of contention between us for my entire life. He suffered as well as me, but I never loved my brother, either. So I have a lot of guilt over that. She told me in her email that she talked to him, got his side of the story and apologized, and suggested see, I am listening! And I just gave her hell.
How dare she use him as some kind of evidence that she’s great. She can go fuck herself.

I did a lot of very deep work the last few weeks. My therapist was even impressed. She tells me that, aside from herself, I’m the only person she knows that is dedicated to real, radical change. That’s kind of depressing.
I’ve also been told by many people (I’ve lost count) that I am courageous. Well, there are worse things to be, I guess. I definitely do not feel courageous. In fact I feel like a heel. Worse than a heel. A bully.

I can now spot when I’m running away in the moment. Which is a big deal. I mean. I remember 6 months ago it would take 12 to 24 hours to cycle through the parts and then have enough clarity to really reflect. I should take this success and really try to cement it into my psyche.
But.
I’m probably going to continue to forge ahead. I feel like, I have all this inertia- I can’t just pause in the middle of a race! I have an involuntary break anyways. My therapist is taking a Christmas break. So. It’s built in; I don’t need to worry about that.

I keep thinking of the phrase that my dad always used to say to me; “I pity the fool”
And, I can’t help but despise that man’s guts. He was right- but he was only right because he cursed me with his shitty rhetoric and abusive fatherhood.
Jesus. Tell your kid that they’re a piece of shit enough times and they might just believe it.
Fathers, do not tell your daughters that they are broken and no good. If you’ve got any kind of decency, just tell them you’re sorry for being a shitty dad and ask them how you can do better.
Goes for mom’s too. I’m not sexist.