Sleep Anxiety. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

My anxiety is pretty bad, but it’s probably worst at night. When i’m trying to fall asleep. I call it non-specific anxiety, because I’ll just be laying there, trying to clear my mind, and I’ll be filled with anxiety, fear, nervousness.

I got lucky last night. I used my typical method of disconnecting my mind from my body, so I’m not aware of my surroundings much beyond maybe the heat coming on. Then I think about something non-real. As in, non-personal. Hard to describe. Sometimes I just start with picturing a square. Then try to let it evolve into full daydreaming. Within a few minutes, I heard a noise, which brought me back to reality. And thankfully, most of the anxiety had subsided.

It’s weird how thinking about pleasant things from the past makes me just as sad as bad things from the past. Probably because I miss the former, and regret the later. Lose-lose.

Still took about two hours to fall asleep. Maybe four hours of sleep, tops. Woke up with a relaxed feeling of boredom. I’ll take it. Anxiety started to return as my brain booted. Got lucky and Alice decided she wanted cuddles. Purrs have been called a “healing buff”, and it certainly helped a little.

Waking up at 4:20 in the morning is tricky. “I’m wide awake, I should get up! Be productive!” vs the knowledge that the rest of simply laying in bed is still good.

To think I used to be an awesome sleeper. Power down my activities before bedtime, and fall asleep within 15 minutes. Wake up early, and go without a second thought. I miss that.

To think I recently dumped all my recently expired Lexapro. They WERE a few years expired. I don’t recall writing down much about my sleep on that med. Sometimes short, and sometimes with night sweats, I think. I stopped using it because it seemed to stop working in terms of making the anxiety feel farther away. But before any of this anxiety got out of hand, I WAS sleeping good. Even my most depressed in college, sleep wasn’t much of an issue.

Sighs. I’ve fixed my eyes, but I really don’t want to see yet another doctor to try to get meds. Anxiety’s a bitch.