Latch in Current Events

For better or for worse there has been a shift in my consciousness that has me unable to connect to things again. This is an opportunity to attach to things that give me health. It is a spiritual thing to be able to completely change your perspectives and ideas and realize that you are still you. That is not intrinsic, it is developable and my ability to do that has a lot of room for growth. I want to develop my second attention, to become so attached to the true self that I can witness my thoughts and emotions without becoming so identified with them. I have that ability but it is not that strong. Meditation is an easy way to grow this ability. I envy those that can just not be bothered by the dramas and upsets in their lives. I have that capacity, I just need to work on it.

I was thinking about how social media is not giving me health, how consuming politics is not giving me health and that I need to connect to something else. Then last night, two beautiful souls told me just that. I don’t follow astrology but the age of Aquarius has been brought up in conversations and in my feeds. I do feel like something is coming. I think it will be bad before it will be good. I’m taking their advice. If my paint supplies weren’t in a storage locker I would paint. I’ll find a hobby.

My anxiety has been out of control the last few days and it is on me to find a way to cope. I have not been in control of anything, not my diet, my exercise or anything. That’s not to say that I have been doing something crazy, I just haven’t been conscious of it. I’ve been lazy. I shrunk my surroundings to feel safe and that is not the worst way to cope with stress but it is my default setting. Life is crushing me, I am letting it bury me and I forget that I am a seed.

I struggle with the idea of letting go of social media and politics because I don’t want to become ignorant of all of the things going on in the world. I can see how such ignorance is weaponized. I don’t want to be ostracised, shunned, seen as crazy, viewed as hateful or a liar because that takes its toll but I feel like I have a responsibility to tell the truth. Responsibility is simply the ability to respond. This puts me in harm’s way. Speaking against the grain. Undermining the narratives. I am dehumanized by the radicals. A conspiracy theorist to the cable news cultists and I am not alone in feeling the burden that comes with trying to add sense to chaos. It feels hopeless, deflating and draining because people are too demoralized to process true information anymore. This is why I say that humanity is in a spiritual deficit. They’re too identified with things that are not them, that is not real. It’s making them easy to control, they are emotionally hijacked and unaware of their true selves and true power.

I am someone with crippling social anxiety, not so much anymore as I’ve been developing my nerve. I used to embarrass easily, I kept my presence small and I was always the quietest voice in the room. I was terrified of conflict and just went along with almost everything. That was easy but that was a mistake. I explored how I developed that habit last year, it was because I never had a pack. I felt too different from everyone else and that made me feel vulnerable. To create a false sense of control I developed the habit of trying to be invisible. That created a positive feedback loop and I conditioned myself to become afraid of everything. I can thank that habit for serving me in the past but it does not serve me now.

I came out of my spiritual journey, my self-improvement journey last year and it was just this June when I decided to connect to the world again. To start grounding myself. I couldn’t relate to anything or anyone I knew. It gave me imposter syndrome as everyone identified me as someone I am not. I still haven’t been able to look at my face in the mirror this year. I have some dissociation with the idea of my reflection. I went through a small period of angst because I felt betrayed. I explored where all of my limiting beliefs about myself came from it was from academia and culture. I never questioned anything before, I started by exploring the opposing views. The conservatives. I developed a lot of conservative beliefs but I also learned how our culture is being subverted ideologically. How culture created Marxists, leftists. It became obvious that the news was fake. It’s making everything so polarized, the left is so radicalized that just a small difference of opinion makes some far-right. That is by design to bring about a civil war. So I peek behind the veil to see who is pulling the strings. I just kept going further down the rabbit hole. A Journey to the Center of the Truth. I never imagined that I would become a “truther”. Like Dante’s Inferno, there are just so many different levels of perspective. This is a spiritual underworld, humanity is plugged into a reality tunnel that is not real. We are enslaved and trapped here. The nature of desire is expansion, we are insatiable because we are trying to expand outward but that is an inside job. Media has everyone hypnotized and they have learned helplessness. They do not want to expand their consciousness. This reality is about to be torn apart and I don’t know if we will get a great awakening in time. They blindly and foolishly believe their news and politicians.

Anyway, I need balance. I need to connect to the self and work on my spiritual journey. My understanding of the world comes from a deep innerstanding of myself. If I survive what is coming I want to be available to help people heal.