Therapy Words and Other in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Apparently, I can hold on to my confidence for approximately 4 days. After an excellent shot of confidence and feeling loved, I was doing very well until Sunday. Then, with no warning or reason for it, as I was driving to hang out with my friends (the support network that has been so lovely) the thought popped into my head, “Why do they even like you, anyway?” I tried to shake it off. Dude, because they’re great people and you bring a lot to the table. But the thought kept spinning. Kept pointing out all of the ways I’m the outsider among them. Especially in how I’m the one that doesn’t have kids… and I’m the one that doesn’t have any romantic options or entanglements right now. I pushed all of that aside and away. I was going to just… enjoy my friends and spend time with their kids. That was my focus.

And I did! Victoria and Essen especially kept cooing about how all the kids swarmed to me and my appearance made a “chaotic house with the kids running every which way” and turned it into “We know where the kids are because they’re all on top of Chris!” Which was great… until Victoria mentioned how good of a father I’d be. Which… it is a compliment. It is true. It shouldn’t have impacted me negatively. But as she discussed how I don’t need a wife to have a kid, and could totally adopt or go IVF, and how it would probably help me attract women because they would see I’m a good dad… and… about four hours later, folding laundry at home alone… for some reason I started crying. Because… I’d love to be a dad. I’ve been thinking about it forever. Knowing Nancy would never be emotionally mature enough to have kids was one of the (thousands) of reasons to end things. Luckily, Essen had some time to talk to me and kind of… walk me through some of what I was going through.

Then… bed. WHICH DID NOT HELP.

I don’t remember all of the dream. I remember going to the mall. Without a mask. Going to the movie theater. Without a mask. Shopping with friends. Without a mask. Going to a restaurant. Without a mask. My friends and I had purchased tickets to a concert that we were just about to go to, when I noticed a tell-tale streak of Green and Pink. Nancy in her Louise Costume!

So I chase after her. I chase her through the entire Cheesecake Factory, out of the mall, across the street, into the concert venue, and find myself on stage. I dance along with the band trying to see where she went and finally dance my way off stage. But now I’m lost. I can’t find my friends. I can’t find her. I can’t even see where I am. I’m just… in the dark. Alone.

That’s when I wake up. It is 28 degrees outside. The dog has decided that I am not a good sleeping companion and has spent the last two nights on the sofa pouting. It is dark and foggy. I am in pain. I am feeling depressed. And I need to go into work to discuss/debate
(1) Should a 23 year old convicted rapist be released from jail because of he doesn’t want to get COVID?
(2) Should a 17 year old that was molesting his 13 year old sister be allowed to live in the same home as her?
(3) Should a drug addict that routinely assaults her neighbors be required to face any consequences for her behavior?

That’s the day at work after the day yesterday and the morning I had.

Then tonight? Oh, we’ll see, I suppose.

What IS ON MY SCHEDULE is mostly the usual “walk the dog, clean up, Christmas Decorations, etcetera.” but there’s also a caveat.

Victoria’s 28th birthday was at the end of November. There was also discussion of doing some kind of Holiday thing. SO… my house on Friday will be greeting 5 children, and 6 additional adults. 4 confirmed, 2 maybe. So… I have to try to get the house “Party Ready”… and “COVID SAFE Party Ready” which is an especially complicated feat.

But while that is what is on my schedule.... you never know how things are going to go.