I Get The Compliment in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Today, I was playing with the kids. I was doing a great job of it. Victoria said the only thing missing was a kid of my own.

I know she meant that (and stated) that I would make a great dad. I get that. I understand that the entire comment was strictly a comment to say, “You’re doing great with the kids, you’d make a great dad. All of our kids would be blessed to know the kind of child you would have.”

But she kept going. She mentioned how “a single dad who is good with kids is super attractive. Would honestly help out your dating profile.”

NO.

“You could even do IVF! I’m sure we could all help and make sure the baby was taken care of while you worked, it wouldn’t even be that big of a deal for all of us to chip in.”

NO

Then she dropped it.

And about 4 hours later? As I try to go to sleep? I’m crying. I’m crying about it.

Because, yes. OF COURSE I want to be a dad. And of course I’d be a great dad.... or as great a dad I could be! But… so much of that is about someone else choosing you for that. Someone else that says I want to have a kid with you. AND I get how that isn’t how many babies in this world are made. But even the “oh shit” babies… at some point, the decision is made that YES, I WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY. For me? A baby isn’t just a “sex trophy” and it isn’t “something that happened cuz I didn’t wear a rubber”.... it is a life, that if done right, is lovingly brought into this world. And FUCK YES, I want that.

But right now? It just… it serves as yet another reminder. Nancy has progressed forward romantically. Victoria and her boyfriend have progressed forward romantically. Essen, Remus, even friends in other towns.... getting engaged, getting married in COVID safe ceremonies, having babies of their own. Me? I haven’t progressed one iota. Not even a virtual COVID- safe date. This isn’t about seeking validation. This isn’t “I need a partner or I’ll never be happy.” This is about babies. This is about “I’ll never be a father if I don’t have a partner.” And that… yeah. That’s something that I don’t like to think about.