Is That A Bad Thing? in meh...

Part of being a dreamer and idealizer is that you have dreams and ideas with no ambition to make anything happen or change

I get motivated to do stuff when I think I can see what the course is going to look like. Other than that I’m just here.

I see my family and friends making moves and getting life in, and I’m just here.

I talk a good game about all the things that don’t matter to me, but I long to do stuff. I’ve been looking for new careers, looking to do better for me so I can help others and I’m wondering if I’m just not ambitious enough? My current job requires a lot of my mental acuity and there is not enough time in a day to pursue anything else for real.

I am realizing that I have no ambition. I don’t aspire to be anything, do anything. Yes, the broken record is on because now I have a chance to breathe a moment and…I frankly dont like what I see.

I can’t manage my money to save my life. I can’t make my money grow because I always need something or someone around me needs something.

I’m easily intimidated by job descriptions when they ask for experience I know I don’t have and no one is willing to teach or take a chance on an almost middle aged woman who can’t sell herself.

I. Don’t. Know. What. I’m. Meant. To. Do. With. Me.

Whenever I can, I feel like shit about it. Crazy right? I’m not qualified to say what I need because I don’t know what I need. Does that make sense?

I don’t want to be controlled by anyone other than God and I even manage to screw that up.

I just started my period today. My second mammogram is Friday morning and I am just coming off the craziest weekend ever in my life that I can’t even talk about.

It’s a lot going on in me.
I think I am feeling a little unworthy of anything good because I always fuck it up.

That’s it.
Kindest regards,
Sister