Insanity in Journal

So, my mom (J) is insane.

I think I kind of already knew that. You know, when you have to survive someone’s parenting, you really get to know them. Probably better than you get to know anyone.

I’m still having trouble with what this means for the rest of my life. Or hers. I still care about her, after all.
I do not want this insipid insanity to pollute my family any more. I certainly don’t want it to touch my child(ren).

And I’m just thinking, but perhaps insane is too kind a word. I don’t know. I’m sort of scared to explore that right now. I don’t want to face my own evil, yet.

But, I already have. Sort of. I spoke to several people about and also my husband. Well DH was first. He’s the one most impacted, of course.
The more I think about it, the more I cringe at my own abysmal behavior. Man. Am I ever an asshole.
I’ve got one hell of a hole to dig myself out of.

In other news.
My therapy partner abandoned me. I feel kind of terrible about it. A huge rush of self blame came down upon me, and I was riddled with doubt, depression and self criticism for days.
Thinking back, I saw it coming. I even pointed it out to him; I said, hey, it really sounds like you might want to take a break from our therapy. You’ve been expressing a lot of negativity about it. But he denied it and was all like, no worries!
Also. I didn’t even want to be his partner. I asked in group to be another female’s partner, but he jumped in and was like “heck I’ll be your partner!”
And. I just buried my misgivings. I didn’t trust myself. I mean, I know that that was kind of the point of the therapy; I had massive, massive issues surrounding confidence, trust, emotional honesty, etc etc etc to infinity. I just feel like maybe he took advantage of that.
And it doesn’t feel good to realize that.