A (Vulgar) Secret Language in Planting Trees

“How do you remember all that?”
“There’s no way I could do it that way.”

The Preface:
I am a personal/digital shopper, however you want to call it. I shop for six to eight people at once in any of quite a few item categories (such as chilled, frozen, dry grocery, etc.) I have one of those carts with totes on it, the ones that probably get in your way when you’re shopping. I apologise on behalf of them and want to add that I do my best to stay 6 ft away and wait my turn patiently.

Anyway, when we shop for produce, though, we have to weigh most of the items and input that weight into our program so that it charges the customer the exact amount. They request an apple, I weigh it, I put in one apple for 0.52 pounds. Bag it up and move on to the next. The catch is, there is only one scale in the whole department, so anyone shopping produce typically parks as close as they can to that scale and walks back and forth instead of taking their cart with them.

The Problem and Solution:
We are timed and held accountable for our average shopping times, by item. Produce isn’t exactly fair, as they can ask for twelve bananas but because you input one weight number, it only counts as one item, but anyway. There is a point where the shopping path will have you get items from the other end of produce, and instead of walking all the way there and back over and over, to the items, the scale, and the cart, I pop open the pick list, where I can see the items coming up and how many of each I need, I memorize them, grab all of my produce bags, then head over and grab them all at once.

I often had passing comments when I first started doing it. Not negative ones, but the comments before the Preface and humored remarks like “that’s energetic of you.” From the outside, I know it looks like I’ve somehow got the clarity of mind to scan the list and effortlessly retain it, but trust me, I am not that interested in my job.

The Method:
I’m just bat shit insane, I guess. (I’m diagnosed OCD, it’s probably that to be honest.) My brain has inserted its own code names for almost every single item I have to get, and I guess the personalization (or absurdity) of it solidly sticks it into my mind. Some of these code names are fairly obvious how they came to be. Others are so oddball that I don’t even have a theory. I’m going to try to make a list with the code name on the left followed by the possible reason why. Warning, though, quite a few are vulgar.

So:

Cucumbers -> Cocks (Shape and tendency to be used as an adult toy.)
Bell Peppers -> Cunts (??? No idea)
Yellow Onions -> Yorbs (Yellow+Orb)
Sweet Onions -> Swords (Sweet+Orb is Sworb which sounds like sword)
White Onions -> Wards (White+Orb is Worb which sounds like Ward. I picture them as little shields to go with the swords.)
Red Onions -> Roy Orbisons (Red+Orb is Rorb, which looks like shortened Roy Orbison)
Roma Tomatoes -> Rumples (No fucking idea.)
Avocados -> Balls (works well when paired with cocks)
Lemons -> 7449400034 (It’s… Literally their whole upc number. I can’t tell you their four number PLU code but I can tell you this like it’s nothing. It’s the only one I identify through its bar code like that.)
Lemons are also sometimes called Lemmies, Lubes, or Sours.
Limes -> Saors. (Not Sour like the lemons, but Saor like the band. No idea.)
Green Apples -> Grannies (Granny Smith)
Red Delicious Apples -> Red Devils (I mean, I don’t really like them but I don’t think that’s why.)
Gala Apples -> Applins (It’s an apple pokemon from the Galar region… One letter away from Gala)
Naval Oranges -> Orgies (Similar sound.)
Sometimes I think of them as Navies.
Russet Potatoes -> Elders, Turds (Why they make me think of dry turds and old people I have no earthly idea.)
Sweet Potatoes -> Swisher Sweets (Bc sweet)
Zucchinis -> Zuckerbergs (Because Z I guess)

The rest of them are pretty on the nose, like red potatoes being called Reds, vine tomatoes being Vines, and honeycrisp apples being honeys. Or they don’t have code names at all, like Squash.

Some produce comes in bulk bag forms. I’ll say like “a bag of swords”, “two turd bags” etc. Unless it is gala apples, in which case the bag is just an “Appleton” because that is one of Applin’s evolutions.

I also string things into sentences.

If someone orders two cucumbers and four pink lady apples, in my head it’s “two cocks for pink ladies.” I’ll say shit like “two cunts in this orgy” for two bell peppers and an orange, or “a cock for three grannies.”

The totes on my cart are also numbered 1-8 so if I am holding several bags of the same produce in varying amounts, and I scan a bag of four of them into tote three, my brain says “Forinthry” (four-in-three) until I put the right bag into the right tote. Forinthry is a historic civilization in Runescape, by the way.

Terms like “four-for-four” (Wendy’s), “three-in-one” (various advertising) “buy one get one” etc. all help me put the right bag into the right tote.

It’s an extremely weird but fast and efficient process. I’m one of the few people that actually enjoys picking produce… Maybe it’s enjoyment of the language my brain has come up with, but more likely it is enjoyment in studying the hows and whys of how this came to be… And trying to figure out why the shit a roma tomato is a rumple.

Last updated January 24, 2021