Where my prayers have wandered to in I don't know....

I've been praying a lot lately. I find myself in constant conversation with God. I usually am, but this time it feels more intense. I keep asking God to show me how to end my marriage. I want a Biblical end to it. I don't want to end it just to end it. I feel like I am drowning and suffocating. I've had dreams of such and I know it's because I feel that way mentally. I know this sounds awful, but I am angry and I just want out. I deal really well with hard stuff. I always have. I wouldn't have survived sexual abuse otherwise. This has become oppressive beyond what is doable for me. I'm so very tired. I'm beaten and worn down to the point of just feeling like my fingernails have been cut to the quick - the nubbins. I have prayed for an end to my life. I'm not suicidal, but Heaven is so appealing. I love God with all my heart and I would rather be there than endure this. Yet, I don't want my kids to endure it either. Today I do not want to stand strong. Today I want to wither. I am so tired. I'm not tired in the sense of needing sleep. No, this is a bone weary tired that isn't sure of how long I will have to endure.

I don't know how to ask anyone to pray and I don't want to tell anyone else where my thoughts have taken me to. I don't know that my life has much value. It never did, but I don't want to leave my children either. I guess I should ask you to pray that God will reveal what it is I need to change in myself to be able to better deal with this man.