0357 in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I got my tasks done and in bed at a reasonable time. Fell asleep okay. Nala woke me at 3 a.m. I’ve been trying to get back to sleep but… my thoughts prevent it.

I think about Essen and her day. Her asshole husband tried to get her in trouble as a bad mom but didn’t realize his report would trigger DHS involvement. He thought he could just file a report so that he could reference it to use against her. DHS showed up yesterday, investigated, and concluded that Essen is a good mother, but that he had a lot of explaining to do regarding his toxic and abusive behavior. Honestly, might be the best thing for everybody to get those DHS eyes involved.

I think about Victoria and how I know the situation is unsustainable but still something that I want to continue for a while. And how I feel selfish that way but don’t think I should. I mean, if at any point she said that she wanted to change the nature of our relationship to remove the sexual activity, it would end instantly and we would still he friends. I should probably make sure that she knows that, just to make sure. But all the same? I do have to say the inclusion of the sexual element has honestly been helpful. And I do need to improve my ability to initiate physical touch and… well, I am 100% certain that whoever I end up with, if I ever end up with someone, will he very different from Victoria. But experience is the best teacher, even if the lessons aren’t exactly a 1 to 1 comparison.

And then I think about that. About the what ifs. And how… I honestly COULD be doing better on dating apps maybe if I knew how to start. There are people who haven’t matched but that I can message… but their profiles didn’t exactly create a “I see you like X, thus something I can talk to you about.” So with no opening; I have no idea how to start other than the instantly ignorable “Hey, how are you? How are you getting through COVID? Picked up any new hobbies or interests or binging anything interesting?” I mean, I am better in person and better with people I already know… which makes finding someone new to date? Challenging, to say the least. Finding someone new to date via online means? Beyond challenging.

Then of course my mind turns to Tuesday. The day I am on but pre-day. Work and the election. Work has no hearings, so that helps. But it will still be busy. Lots to file and prep and calls and emails and everything. And the election. A nightmare awaits and there is no denying that. No matter what happens Tuesday night, the fires will burn and the rage will spread and chaos will drown reason for at least a few weeks; if not a few months. There is reason to be restless.