Further Fallout in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

After Saturday and returning to a new… significantly more empty house… a thought spiral absolutely took me out.

Other than the fact that this house is so much more empty… other than the fact that Nancy proved she was capable of doing some bare minimum of responsibility… do you know what else just happens to be true now?

I can’t host my friends or the kids anymore. I no longer have the means to do so as I no longer have a table.

So… hooray for that little bit. As more of my house is filled with an empty void, I have even less opportunity to combat that feeling inside of my chest.

And today at work was looking like 8 hours of me staring at a computer screen and answering phone calls of the nature “I did something illegal but don’t feel the rules apply to me so you have to fix it” so I said FUCK THAT and called in. I’m not in a good place to do the emotionally draining work of listening to people try to reason out of “Everyone else was going 94 on the highway this weekend; why should I be the only one punished?!” And I certainly did not have the emotional fortitude to sit and listen to call after call of “I know I called the police because he was beating me up, but I love him and he’s such a good father.”
Yeah. DO NOT have the emotional ability to fucking deal with that today!!

Instead? I’ve done two of three loads of laundry, and slept. I plan on closing the day out by AT LEAST doing the third load of laundry, taking Nala to the Dog Park, cleaning the basement (Done), emptying the dishwasher, and measuring the doors leading to the basement as I consider TABLE purchase and placement. If I’m feeling REALLY motivated, I’ll even clean the kitchen a bit. But we’ll see what happens.

I’m just feeling… particularly at odds right now. I don’t want to move. But I’m starting to wonder if I have to. AGAIN. Which would ultimately upset me a lot. I moved to Nebraska in 2011 to go to Law School. Nebraska was a great town; but even before moving I promised Nancy we would return to Iowa. 2016, I moved to Tiny Town. 2017, moved back to West Des Moines. 2018, moved to Marshalltown. 2018, moved into this house in my current county. I have moved 5 times since getting married… and the marriage (proper) only lasted Nine Years. Fuck, 4 of those moves were within the last FIVE YEARS! I don’t want to move again. The only thing that moving would do, anyway, would be
(1) I’d only move to a bigger area; so that would increase the support I receive at the office
(2) I’d only move to a bigger area; so that would significantly increase the likelihood of me finding someone, anyone that might be interested in me and satisfy standards such as (a) unlikely to kill me; (b) not a convicted felon; (c) not actively addicted to drugs; (d) not presently married; (e) at least open to the idea of maybe one day possibly if it ever came up having a romantic and sexual relationship with me.

And yet??

I’m giving serious consideration to going to a friend’s “socially distanced, bubble only” Halloween Party. I haven’t seen these friends in over a year, so it would be nice. But… imagine the “summary catch up”.
Yeah, I realized that after almost a decade, nothing I could ever say or do would convince my wife to be a wife, so I gave her three months to show me ANY sign that she wanted the marriage to continue. She didn’t, so we started the process of getting separated. She’s now practically living with someone else and seems genuinely happy, so that’s good for her. As for me? Well… after many months of not even so much as a flirtatious hello on any dating apps; one of my local friends who is extremely gorgeous told me that she was polyamorous and while she had no intention of making our friendship romantic or dating; she’d be willing to add sex to our friendship. With her husband’s blessing, I said what the hell. So, while I haven’t an opportunity for anything that makes me feel loved, at least I’ve had sex this year and had my first blowjob since High School. THAT’S WHAT I’VE GOT GOING ON!

So that’s where I am today.

EDIT: 1:28

So… I can still get voice mail remotely. And I don’t like getting back to the office to be surprised by tons of voice mails. But I shouldn’t have listened to my voice mails, that’s for sure. I’m already feeling in a pretty emotionally weakened place right now.

I just got a voice mail threatening me. If I didn’t dismiss a certain person’s case, I’d find myself in a lawsuit so rough I’d beg him just to beat me up instead of sue me. And the best part is, I’m sure to lose my job because of how shitty a human being I am. And for good measure, I could go fuck myself to death.

The case? I’m asking the Defendant to produce the item they took so I can inspect it for damage. I’m not asking for the item to be returned. Merely, inspected for damage. THAT demand was, apparently, sufficient to inspire the above voice mail.

Fuck.
My.
Life.

Last updated October 26, 2020