Therapy and Other in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Therapy for me today was good. I’m always pleased when a professional therapist is astounded at my self-reflection, self-awareness, and knowledge of emotional and intellectual concepts. We discussed how… because of that,

(1) what is one thing that I know she’ll misunderstand from our conversation?
ANSWER: Use and function of the Ego. Too many thoughts on the ego call it a Driving Force… that the Ego is something that inspires a person. For me, the ego typically comes after. It is a justification, not an inspiration. It comes from theater and being able to “do whatever was asked of me”. Wear a dress, throw on some lipstick, do jumping jacks covered in a bright full body sack in an avant garde musical production (truly a role from when I was 7)? That’s me. Only AFTERWARDS do I start getting nervous, freaking out, wondering if that made me look stupid. It’s the same with my co-dependence and White Knight bullshit. I rush into something due to a compulsion to act, not even thinking… the brain pathways firing on reflex in a familiar pattern established to take care of any problem, any pain, any situation that someone else is experiencing even if (especially if) it does any harm or damage to myself. Then AFTER the fact, I justify that thoughtless compulsion as simply being a White Knight. So tackling the White Knight Nature doesn’t start with “why do you want to save everyone?” Not for me, anyway. And it doesn’t start with “How do we fix this ego-centric issue?” as I’ve experienced before. No, the issue is… “Why don’t you value yourself enough to consider your own safety? Why do you feel you need to rush in, what can we do to stop that knee-jerk compulsive reaction?” The White Knight gets handled by tackling the ACTIONS in this case.

(2) what is one thing that we’ve covered in our therapy together that surprises me?
How this week, despite my entire local support network having personal crises, I never felt like I normally would. Even a few years ago… as soon as Victoria heard about her mom, I would have volunteered to move in to her house to take care of her kids. Extreme, inappropriate, totally unacceptable. But I would have. Even as recently as last year… as soon as Essen’s car crapped out, I would have offered to let her HAVE my car for the next 24 hours and I’d just work from home. Extreme, inappropriate, totally unacceptable. But I would have. This week? I just said, “Let me know. I’m here. I’ll do what I can.” or “Do you need a ride anywhere? A jump?” That’s it. I didn’t go above and beyond. I didn’t over exert myself. I didn’t instantly jump to an idea that could best be described as “putting myself out as much as possible to help someone else!” I just… I’m here, let me know, I’m cool about this, life happens. To… normal people, I guess… it probably sounds obvious. But it sure as shit is a surprise to me!!

(3) what is one thing that you feel we’ve worked on that you need to keep with you?
Processing separating all of my unhealthy habits from Nancy and how to sever it. Like… a part of the loneliness from earlier was definitely “Shit, all of these compulsions went into taking care of someone who refused to take care of herself.” There was a really destructive cycle of Perfect Co-Dependency. Breaking that cycle… part of the “OH SHIT” loneliness is that there was nowhere to direct that energy. I’m doing a LOT better about that and now the loneliness is less “I need somewhere to direct this compulsion” but more “I miss companionship” and “I want the life I thought I was building towards.” Which is a lot safer. But it is still something I am going to need to work on AND be careful about because if/when I get the opportunity to start perhaps maybe building a relationship again, I need to make sure the “tendrils of unhealthy habits” are gone and not just “dormant.”

And we discussed tomorrow’s impending knowledge. How I’m not going to let the “Is it gone, is it not?” ruin my weekend. It’s just something I’ll have to deal with when I have to deal with it. I have a plan, I know what to do.
She made sure to remind me again that I’m still going over the top. Any reasonable person would just have a yard sale and say “She didn’t come get it, buy it if you want!” And I appreciate that. But for me… this is more in keeping with who I am. Some of these pieces have been in their family for generations. I’m not going to intentionally do anything that suggests I don’t honor that kind of legacy. I mean… if your great grandfather carved a chest for your great grandmother and then she gave it to your grandmother to “remember the love between her parents”… and then grandmother gave it to Mother to “remember that your family loves you”… and then mother gives it to daughter as “a family heritage of love”.... I’m not going to be the asshole that sells it in a yardsale just because Nancy is too lazy, cowardly, irresponsible, or unsentimental to care! The plan is to move it to her parents’ house and let them deal with it.
So… yeah. It’s above and beyond. It is a little extreme, her parents may even consider it inappropriate, but I would argue that is within the realm of acceptable.

The funny thing is? If all the furniture is out tomorrow? I’ll ask to make sure everything else is out soon thereafter. If all of the furniture is still there tomorrow? The anger will push me through what I need to do and inspire me to demand my key and garage door opener back. I mean… she continued to have open access because it was to facilitate moving everything out. If she is not going to take advantage of that charitable offer, I will rescind it. As with our marriage, I believe it can be said that at every stage in this I have been extremely generous, patient, and considerate. Even so? This is the ending of our formal ties. Those ties have set end dates established. And those dates need to be recognized and honored.

Tragically…
I’m going to have to spill some T here.
Essen’s three kids are not all biologically hers. Her husband had a baby with a druggie before meeting Essen, but Essen pretty much raised that girl from the time she was 6 months. So Essen is the only mom she’s ever had. HOWEVER, that means that legally, Essen isn’t her mother. And no, Bio-Mom’s rights were never terminated which means Essen was never allowed to adopt her.
Enter in Essen’s current issues with Husband. His now stalker-level stuff. Like… she heard a noise outside her window at 2 a.m. and it was him sneaking around. Like… he was over to see the kids earlier this week and after they went to sleep… he refused to leave for two hours until the police were called. Like… literally after she tried to start her car yesterday to pick up Victoria’s son, he texted Essen “How’s the car?” Shit that should NOT be put up with by anyone but especially someone with children to protect!
Essen spoke with a lawyer today. I was hopeful that “long shot” would be considered more because… there is a very slim, super difficult, restrictively complicated, fight in the courts for years way that Essen might be able to keep Eldest Daughter. But after speaking with the attorney… it doesn’t look that is realistic enough to pursue. Of course, if Essen’s husband wasn’t a ridiculous asshole, he would simply allow his child to live with the only mother she’s ever known and stay with her siblings. But as has been proved, he is absolutely a ridiculous asshole. He stopped by and had lunch with Essen and the kids today. Told Essen that he was going to move to Texas and take the daughter with him. He refused to give a set time or give his children or his wife the respect of a date but said, “Could be as soon as tomorrow, so have her ready.”

Can you imagine? Can you imagine raising a child for 7 years only for your clearly clinical unbalanced husband to be able to LEGALLY say and do what is happening? Yeah… good on you, wonder dad. Take your daughter out of state, away from her friends, away from her education, away from the only stable parental figure she’s ever known and do all of that as a spur of the moment, surprise people move. What a loving fatherly thing to do! ASS. Frankly, as an attorney in the field I’m in… this is the thing that pisses me off the most. And upset the kids and Essen the most. Because it absolutely uses the kid as a chip. Because he absolutely uttered the words “Let me move back in, and get everything back to normal and it doesn’t have to be this way.” Really? You’re trying to say that you aren’t a lunatic that uses coercion and manipulation to get your way anymore and your way of proving it is...... this?! You sure you’ve thought that through all the way?

Funny thing is… he also stated that he was “working with his attorneys to get the county to charge Essen with prostitution.” Why? Because he thinks the only way she can keep paying rent or feed their kids is selling her body since he took all of the money out of their joint account. So again… loving, gracious, fatherly man there. Takes all the money that would be needed to FEED AND HOUSE HIS CHILDREN in an effort to get his way. Really adult and mature. Of course, he doesn’t take into account that she’s had a physically abusive spouse before and knows to squirrel money away and when to ask her parents for help and how to get Housing Assistance from DHS and all the other safeguards that are set up if you know where to find them. But this also stems from his mental issues and paranoia as his controlling and abusive behavior is unhinged when she talks to any man (like Remus… seriously, he doesn’t even know that Remus is poly, does know that Remus is married… has accused Essen of “fucking Remus” for the last 8 months… despite the fact, likely BECAUSE OF THE FACT, that he has actually cheated on Essen before).

So yeah. Essen’s situation has gone from bad to worse. And that poor little girl caught in the middle of all of it. :( I mean… I don’t blame Essen for any of this AT ALL. She’s trying to figure out a shitty situation and sometimes… you have to protect yourself and 2 of your kids… because you can’t protect the kids’ half-sibling. It’s just.... this is a part of what I do professionally. Hell… I JUST had a case where the ex-boyfriend was harassing our Victim because she’s dating. She got a restraining order against him that specifically stated they could only have contact regarding their shared children. Instead, he kept texting her about the fact that she was dating and how he didn’t want her dating if it wasn’t going to be with him. WE HAVE THE TEXT MESSAGES. He’s demanding jury trial. Because (1) “that bitch needs to look me in the face, she’ll remember I’m her man” and (2) “then she’ll have to admit that she’s been whoring around on me in front of jury.” Yeah. THIS SHIT IS MY PROFESSIONAL LIFE ALL OVER. And I can’t even begin to fathom the heartbreaking decisions that Essen is facing.
(1) Let her husband be this toxic, vile, mean-spirited, manipulative asshole and continue to create a terrible environment for her and all 3 children; or
(2) Tell her husband to GTFO and stop making their lives miserable… but at the risk of putting a child she loves in harm’s way, away from the only stable parent she’s got, and away from all of her siblings.

I just… I know this is part of why I have the degrees I have and the job I have it’s just… I wish humans were just a LITTLE MORE CAPABLE of not being evil all the damned time.