A Personal Statement in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

You know? One of the things I think about?
Nancy wasn’t “standard knock out”. There are plenty of people in this world who would probably say that she isn’t their cup of tea. But I found her beautiful.
Victoria is absolutely “standard knock out.” There are plenty of people in this world who would probably say that she could have done modeling. And I find her beautiful.
And that’s the world I occupy.

I am attracted to things that many would ignore. I care about things that a more superficial person would not acknowledge. I am also attracted to things that many focus on. I care about things that a more superficial person would care about.

This means the range of “what is attractive to me” is fairly large. Honestly. Then you add in the intangibles. Personality, sense of humor, intelligence, character, integrity. THAT becomes… a far more limiting factor :( THEN add in things like… I do genuinely want to father a child. So someone over 45 years old is a no go. Someone with 3 or more kids is a no go. Someone with an extensive criminal record is a no go.

The irony is that I am constantly judged because people think my standards for physical beauty are too high. In truth, they aren’t. I WILL say, and I understand the rage, that I have a weight limit. But if women can have a height limit (that I do not meet) than I’d call that fair. If a 5‘1 woman specifically states in her profile “Don’t right swipe if shorter than 6” than I can certainly damned well say I wouldn’t date a woman over 300 pounds! And yes, frankly. The reality is that I’d prefer a woman under 200 pounds… but I’m not asking for specific weight; simply how the weight looks on the person. But no. My standards of beauty are not what prevent me from engaging in a more successful romantic endeavor. Nancy was beautiful to me. And had many shared interests. And was interested in me. And it turned into 15 wasted years. So… as badly as I want all of this loneliness and feeling of rejection to end?? I have dedicated myself, made a promise to myself, that I wouldn’t abandon my standards this time. The hardest thing for me… if it ever happens… will be to say no to someone that chooses me. That has always been my achilles heel. I’ve said no to 3 women in my lifetime who were interested in me. Each time, I received WICKED backlash about how I was an inhuman monster and an asshole for rejecting the girl. Which is funny because I distinctly remember this one time… A very attractive younger girl with long black hair gave me a note in Church. I liked her, we were friends, and I found her attractive. The note specifically stated how she had been struggling with depression and suicide and was in a really dark place but I made her smile and she enjoyed spending time with me. I rejected her because while I found her attractive and enjoyed spending time with her… I didn’t want to feel like I was what was keeping her alive.

And that’s one of the ONLY times in my life where I said no to someone.