the not positive in Second 1st

So.... Rocky’s not working.... Why?.... why did he feel the need to quit the one job he’s been at for more than a year .... and how is it that he’s had this issue for at least a year and has not been diligent about finding out what it is.... I mean he’s been to a heart doc, lungs, allergy, our PCP, and the ER back near the beginning of the year. Every doctor has had a suggestion and none of it has helped.... or helped very little..... why wait till he is done with a place....

I mean why couldn’t he have talked to the PCP about FMLA so that he could leave when it was bad? Why not more doctors appointments and learning to speak up about when things are helping/ when things are getting worse? I did.... I had to learn that.... and I still don’t feel I’m where I should be. I still have bad days .... mostly because I choose to live rather than pad my life with you can’t and don’ts. Not to mention the things that a purely out of my control like barometric pressure and that double turn it takes to get into the bathroom at work that gives me a nice spin....

I want to be mad because I feel like he hadn’t done enough when he was able.... now whenever he does anything his body finds stressfull he has “an attack” of somekind..... painful, gets dizzy.... paces or just sits.... stops suddenly in grocery stores looking for something to grab for balance.... and what can I say? I’ve been there.....

But I know I’ve said it before.... every time I’m sick with so much as a cold he gets sick.... and it’s always “worse” .... I can’t help but feel he’s playing this up and ....

It’s too big.... It’s not calling out of work for 3 days because your miserable.
Then I feel like such a hypocrite .... Hey invisible sickness I will always have that generally dictates what I do, eat, name something I’ll tell you why doctors say I shouldn’t do it. .... .. oh you too? whatever....

I’m supportive. I’m a good wife. I will take care of him.... I will .... but for everything I’ve been through I thought he was my support. I’ve been bucking up for a year now taking minimal days off thinking that when we get x paid I can stay home. Now I have to consider that as not a possibility.... that I may have to be the permanent bread winner…again… because there is no “it’s okay, I’ll take care of you” for me.... and it’s not that I want that.... it’s that I need that.... just to be okay.... just to not feel a crushing weight.... why am I the one who has to say “I got you babe, don’t worry about it”

That’s marriage right.... taking turns, we have each other.... but he doesn’t have himself without me.... like if .... If I’d not been married to him and was diagnosed with Meniere’s I would have had to move back in with family but financially because of FMLA I would not have gone completely without..... Without me .... he’d never move in with his mom, rather be homeless I think. He doesn’t have the job security.... any income at all now.... I’m very frustrated....

Also, angry with myself for feeling frustrated.

“It’s not like I don’t want to work.” Great.... how about he spend some time trying to learn to list things so he can take over .... or help.... with pallets..... how about he line stuff up to have a yard sale with the stuff we do have ..... how sweet he made sure laundry was done.... but dishes have been in the sink all week.... because physical makes hurt.....

When I was home physical made dizzy.... so I broke things into smaller things.... put away 10 dishes have a seat… fold 10 pieces of clothing have a seat..... when it cleared up/calmed down…

That and if it’s so bad why didn’t you do something about it while you were working weekends? when you could go to the doc 4 days a week and we both had an income.... like I did when I was bad off. When they started mandatory OT 7 days a week I got more restrictions for when I could work. I worked, I worked until I had to call out more days than I had available with FMLA.... I worked ....and he “can’t” and that ....

Am I wrong for being frustrated? This is not what Rocky sees mind you. Rocky sees encouragement “try the second orientation” “You were looking for a job when you found that one, there will be another lets get this figured out” “I should be able to manage we just won’t be able to eat out nearly as much. We will be fine.”

Honestly this entry is just a bunch of nonsense ........