Elaborating in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

So the ASM Entry relates to me writing about my emotions regarding the divorce and processing my new normal. I mean, as COVID fell and continues to impact us all, we’re all discussing “new normals” and how we can’t wait to get back to “as close to normal as we can!” But of course, for me and many in similar positions… our New Normal is permanent. Or at least, won’t be resolved with a vaccine.

And last night, I crawled into bed and… couldn’t sleep. My anxiety was spiking. My depression was crashing. My thoughts kept looping. And I just… started crying. And the whole thing is so… this is the kind of thing that can’t be solved with anything but time and good fortune.

Because truly and ultimately, I do not cry for having lost Nancy. I was even considering that last night; how, if Nancy were here and I was still trying to make that work? I’d still be having sleepless nights and crying… but I’d be doing it downstairs instead of in bed. At least this way, I get to stay in bed to have that experience as opposed to intentionally removing myself so as not to wake or disturb Nancy.

And what is going through my head?
I say this not to upset or offend or accuse or demean anyone here… this is just the thought.

It is correct to not settle, not sell oneself short. It is wise and necessary for me to continue to keep my own needs in focus and work on my own mental and emotional health. And a part of that is to refuse to take on emotional baggage that is not mine nor needs to be mine. It is quite right to make sure that I seek out someone emotionally healthy so that I am not pushed into uncomfortable areas of past comfort that resulted in harm to myself. That may be the only way to prevent an Aku, Thompson, or Nancy from coming back into my life. I understand and embrace all of that.

But then I look to my single friends who don’t have such high standards, who don’t have my existing emotional baggage, and don’t have my 1 failed marriage… and they’re not getting any more luck in finding dates than I am. Even the women who, by rights, should at least be getting a date or two by sheer mathematics are having zero luck.

And it is this reality, this potential New Normal that… so depresses me and causes sobbing unwillingly. Because I attempted to prepare for different scenarios growing up. For instance, “If my wife doesn’t want to have kids, that’s okay. At least we’ll have each other.”
But… I never prepared for “No wife, no kids, no prospects at over 35”. That was far too unlikely, too upsetting to even consider.

Now I have to do more than consider it… I have to live in it. And… not being over dramatic… simply as a “look at the single people in your life over 35, if it is anything similar to what I hear/see/experience then....” but the truth is, I need to learn how to live like this in a long haul state. True, maybe… perhaps… there is a possibility that I’ll find my Perfect Other and we’ll have a fairy tail romance and blah blah blah. That IS a possibility. BUT keep in mind that the percent chance of that possibility is significantly lower than the percent chance of the possibility of me dying from heart disease, cancer, or COVID in the next 9 months. So when one thing is less likely to happen than death… you don’t exactly hold out hope for it. So I’m trying to figure out what that means. But when I try to deal with the thought rationally? It just… it upsets me in such a fundamental way. I’m… I’m excellent husband material. I’m not great boyfriend material, but I’m excellent husband material. And we’re coming up on 1 year of separation (if not 1 year of her moving out) and… I haven’t had a single date. True, there would be argument that a FWB is sufficient but… you’re not hearing me. And this ISN’T necessarily a Nancy Comparison matter but that comparison does come to mind. Nancy had multiple dates before even moving out… not to mention the falling into a committed relationship she’s loving.

Again, not that I’d WANT this but… I can’t even get a cute girl to use me for a free meal! It just… it really feels like one of those moments in life where the situation just slaps you across the face screaming, “It’s worse than you ever expected. Now sit there and deal with it, bitch!”

And as someone with a big heart, that genuinely cares about people and wants really badly to be a husband and father? The absolute… repeated evidence that “Just be alone. Have your FWB when she wants to throw you a shag; but otherwise, just be alone right now.” It… it isn’t fun.

And as to what my therapist says? Rely on your faith and be patient.