Religious Entry in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

A spiritual statement on this Sunday… even as far back as pre-teen, I never had a problem with faith. Faith being a knowledge, a sense of certainty, in the Divine. I know that there is something greater with the same sturdy reasoning that I know my own gender identity and sexual identity. THE PROBLEM HAS ALWAYS BEEN HOPE. And I find this fascinating. Because I have a deep seated belief in The Greater Power.... The Powers That Be… God… Supreme Alien Overlord… whatever you want to call it. I know truthfully without a shadow of a doubt that there is something greater than HUMANS in this existence.

What I don’t know… what I constantly struggle with… CONSTANTLY… is hope. Hope as defined in the Bible: hope is the confident expectation of what God has promised and its strength is in His faithfulness.

So imagine THAT faith-transgression! Genuinely, one of the big reasons why I didn’t go to seminary because… while I could certainly teach the bible and teach faith and force people to ask the tough questions about Faith and Life and blah blah blah… at the end of the day??

I trust that God exists. I don’t trust that God cares.
That… in a Christian perspective… is intensely fucked up!
And I can say the same thing every religious expert has told me since the dawn of time. Because I was so intelligent AND had such strong faith; I was granted access to some of THE BEST RELIGIOUS MINDS of the 1990s. And I would ask them questions (remember, I was between 5 and 16 at the time) that they would say, “WOW, I took an entire year long course on that exact question in seminary! You’re asking things that people like Luther and Calvin asked as adults!” AND HERE IS WHAT THEY ALWAYS TOLD ME: When terrible things are happening, that is God letting the humans express themselves because of free will. A healthy relationship isn’t a controlling one and God wants to love us and be loved. So, when we’re rebelling and causing death and mayhem and destruction… he’s hurt by our failures. Only when we turn to him and accept his love and guidance can we get things back on track.” THAT’S WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO SAY.

You know what, though? FUCK THAT. I know God exists. I do. I often joke that I’m a descendant of the Nephilim from Genesis 6 because Angels literally CANNOT DENY THE EXISTENCE OF GOD and that’s where I am. SO… I know, certain, that there is a being with great power… I AM EVEN WILLING TO GO SO FAR AS TO SAY… this being with great power genuinely gives a shit about his creation. I’m willing to say that.

So… from my perspective
God exists
God cares.

And yet I still have ZERO hope. Which… consider that in the most earthly way possible. Strike that. I’ll have to create an alternate reality here to properly convey my message. Hold on. OH that was hard. Just because it is so alien to our reality… here it is:

Pretend that the Government Exists. There is no denying the existence of The Government, it exists. Pretend that the Government is Powerful. There is no denying the fact that if The Government wants to do something it can. Pretend, now, that the Government cares. There is no denying the fact that The Government genuinely cares about each and every person. (That’s why the task was so hard… to create a reality where the government cares about everyone was… hooo boy… that was a stretch!) SO… take all of that AS FACT.

The Government exists.
The Government is powerful.
The Government cares.

All of that is fact and all of that is reality. A flood destroys 1/3 of the country and The Government releases a statement that says, “We will clean this up and have people rehoused within 6 months.” I’m the guy that says, “Bullshit.”
WHY?! Why am I like that? If I accept Existence, Power, and Care… why is “follows through with promises” the part where I’m like “Nope. This is my exit!” Weird!