On Communication. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.
- April 3, 2014, 3:30 a.m.
- |
- Public
I really think "wavelength" is the most appropriate word to describe meshing correctly with another person's communication style. It's clear to me now that Candi and I just were on two different wavelengths. It's strange to think that we thought we had good communication. Maybe in some aspects we did. But.
I'm thinking about how Candi would be insulted when I would say something completely unrelated to the conversation. If we're driving and talking and I say, "Oh wow, a car." she'd be all "Are you even listening? What did I just say?" God, it used to piss me off how she'd "quiz" me. How fucking immature.
As a contrast, Elissa and I both kind of void social protocol and talk over each other, and we really don't give a fuck. I'll be talking about something and she'll be talking about something completely different, and it's totally cool. Why is it so unacceptable to carry on two different conversations at once? I don't think it's that complicated.
It makes me wonder whether I had to adapt to Candi's communication style, but she never adapted to mine. Which is why I felt closed-off and unable to talk about feelings and stuff. Eh. Also could be because over the course of the relationship, I was afraid of "demanding" anything out of fear of either hurting her or rejection.
One area in which I've majorly learned my lesson is division of labor in terms of household chores. She outright refused to take out the trash, due to her father making her due it when she was a kid. Okay, whatever. Everything else, we "shared". Meaning, regardless of reality, we mutually felt like we were doing more than the other. I felt like she never cleaned. She felt like I never did the dishes. Whatever, man. A "whoever gets around to it" arrangement is idealistic, and sure, absolutely, partners should help each other even if it isn't their obligation to do something. But there should be some mutual agreement in place to default to, to keep things "equal". Looking back, dishes should have been a weekly assignment, same with vacuuming, and I should have insisted she share in taking out the damn trash.
Not to mention I should have set a number of rodents she could have. I just am always afraid of being a dick, when really, I gotta fucking stand up for myself. I shouldn't be with someone who would take advantage of me. I bent over backwards for her. All she did was make me feel like she was good at "putting up" with me.
Insert rant about how I'm awesome and should find someone who celebrates me.
AnOrangeZebra ⋅ April 03, 2014
I hate to admit it but I am totally like candid in the sense that I ask B "Are you even listening to me" and I feel the need to quiz him. I never realized that might actually be a fault... I thought that was just how most people felt. Maybe because I have the constant fear not just that people aren't listening to what I have to say its just that people don't actually care.
Timmy™ AnOrangeZebra ⋅ April 03, 2014
And there's nothing wrong with that, in the sense of wanting to be heard and feeling ways of being heard.
Though, you'll forgive me if I have an opinion of the quizzing thing.
AnOrangeZebra ⋅ April 03, 2014
Candi.... damn auto correct.
Deleted user ⋅ April 03, 2014
I'm a bit like that too. hard to concentrate for too long and I get easily distracted in conversations
One Angry Dwarf ⋅ April 03, 2014
"Why is it so unacceptable to carry on two different conversations at once?"
I guess, like... Can you explain what you get out of conversations where neither party cares what the other person is saying, or even absorbs it? I could talk at my TV and get the same amount out of that conversation as I could with a person who just like, legit has no idea I'm talking.
The quizzing thing is super fucking annoying, though.
Timmy™ One Angry Dwarf ⋅ April 04, 2014
Except, we actually are listening to each other.
gattaca ⋅ April 04, 2014
Extending the 'wavelength' metaphor, resonance might be a better descriptor.
In electronics, sometimes different wavelengths are desirable - when they interact, they create sum and difference frequencies unlike the originals; that's called a "heterodyne".
Timmy™ gattaca ⋅ April 04, 2014
Nerds for the win. That's right, it's not always about having the "same" wavelength. It's about having wavelengths that end up creating something bigger than the contributing parts.
InspiredBy ⋅ April 04, 2014
I'm a little spazzy in conversation sometimes, so I get that. My sister and I seem to jump all over the place in conversation but she never makes me feel like she doesn't care about what I'm talking about.
But we're talking about communication in a "romantic" relationship... my husband ignores most of what I say and that does irritate me.
Finding someone that matches your communication style really is important. Though I've never thought very much about that, it makes so much sense.
What do you really have if you don't enjoy conversation with someone you're in a relationship with? Pretty much nothing. You can't have sex all the time.
Timmy™ InspiredBy ⋅ April 04, 2014
You can mash bits with anyone. Actual conversation, now that's difficult.
InspiredBy Timmy™ ⋅ April 04, 2014
In this particular stage of my life, I'd rather just mash bits. With anyone. LOL!
I guess I'm only kidding. I love to talk. Probably way too much. If I were to ever want another relationship…it would have to be damn good communication AND sex. I'm tired of having neither of those. Kind of takes the fun out of….being alive.
Timmy™ InspiredBy ⋅ April 05, 2014
"Sex" in and of itself never gave me fulfillment. Cuddles, man. Cuddles with someone you know cares about you.