I believe I will find motivation in Weight Loss Surgery

So in a previous entry I was saying that getting praise from my job is not a good reason to work - and getting praise for a clean house is not a reason to clean your house LOL

I don’t even know why I do what I do - what’s my motivation?

Like, the motivation to clean the litter box should be to give my cats, who are the closest things to children I’ll even know, a good clean place to poop! I mean, I don’t let them outside so they’re stuck using the bathroom inside - they have no other option. It’s like your job keeping your bathroom filthy and you have no where else to go all day.

My main reason for cleaning the box is so it doesn’t stink up the house. But that means sometimes I let it go longer than I should because it doesn’t yet stink. When really my motivation should be for the quality of life of my cats - not my own preferences.

And I think if I thought about my cats quality of life then I’d clean more often instead of letting it wait.

No, it’s not a fun job but I wanted cats. You can’t have a cat without a litter box!

I just need to be more intentional about what I do to keep on top of things I should be doing.

Like going back to the whole argument with Will.
He thinks I should keep my car clean because I value having a car that can take me to work so I can make money to live. Me keeping the car shitty means I don’t value providing for my own life. You know?

And it’s not like I wanna break my car and lose my job but if I’m not cleaning the salt off my car, thereby allowing conditions for it to rust, which just creates problems that could lead to the car not having a long life and me not being able to get to work.

I guess it’s the same as taking care of your body.
Does it mean that people who don’t take care of the bodies don’t value the life they’re living?

I mean, not a lot of people go around just thanking the sun for rising each morning cause they value life so much. I know I don’t.

But I’ve been fat since a child and I didn’t purposely not take care of my body cause I wasn’t liking my life. But if I liked my life better maybe I wouldn’t have turned to sugar to cope with my feelings in life.

Sugar isn’t the solution to unhappy feelings. At least not permanently - cause it certainly is a temporary fix that every one uses. And since kids don’t really have access to drugs or any other addicting distracting type substance I can see how child obesity develops.

But that doesn’t mean skinny kids are happy, or skinny adults for that matter.

I can’t figure everyone out. I can’t group everyone together under one umbrella that states unhappiness = fat, even though it often does.

The point it I need to be intentional about my actions and my food. I need to THINK about why I’m doing the things I’m doing. I don’t need to do laundry cause Will will bitch if I don’t. I need to do it cause I’m grateful for my clothes and take care of them so I don’t have to buy more! I treat my clothes like shit lol. I do the care minimum in a lot of things.

A lot of it stems from just being physically and emotionally TIRED. And I am HOPING that this surgery and losing weight will just up my energy. And this job isn’t physically intensive so maybe I shouldn’t say physically tired but I worry so much - I’m trying to do everything right at work and on time and help others and I feel like I feel overwhelmed even when I’m not. I’m just always in that mode in my mind so when 5pm hits I fucking veg. I watch non sense shows and eat and just let the day leave me. And I don’t feel like vacuuming or laundry or dishes or boxes or even reading one of the many books I still haven’t finished or even crafting lately. Maybe I’m depressed cause there are no fairs so I’m not raising any money so what’s the point.

Got that ovulation depression coming and I’m TRYING to keep it together.
What sucks is that I’m not even depressed during my actual period like most. It’s that 2 week before ovulation moment that makes me over eat and over blow and cry. I don’t even understand it.

Last updated December 20, 2020