Long, take it in bites in Second 1st

I would have expected me to update sooner. With the change and all but.... well you know how I can be with updates so we should just all be happy I’m here k? lol

So Friday.... I mean Monday cause that’s now the first day.... not Friday like it’s been for the last 6 years or whatever.....

Monday, I got put on inspection. Honestly, this is the only job I can do without being completely miserable all day. Where it was the first job to trigger motion sickness more than a year ago it is now the only job where I’m not doing too much physically causing dizziness and nausea. The first 2 hours were horrible. The machine just would not run correctly. Some new fault ever 5 mins. Calling for help and getting a bit of attitude from Glenn or Matt because none of us wanted this shift. Thinking that I do not belong there, I can’t even keep my machine running. They should have fired me instead of .... anyone.... I can’t do this job. It was only after first break that it calmed and I was able to manage it the rest of the day.

Tuesday, Kevin announced doing one on ones especially with those new to his crew. I honestly felt like he did mine first. The morning had gone almost exactly the same as Monday. I’d been put on the same machine with the same faults and the same panic that it just was not going my way. During our chat we went over a few things. I basically begged him to leave me in inspection forever. Explaining that even the ups and down of stairs for the QC (Quality Control) position made me off balance. He actually seemed happy about it. Much to my relief he said “almost everyone on this shift hates it and sees it as punishment” so he’d be happy to put me there everyday. I told him how I can do my job but there is not a whole lot of room for “extras” .... I give 100% but there is no extra 10%. I feel horribly guilty about this I feel like I can’t do my job because of this. I’m worried about 4 days a week because 3 was hard enough. I’m scared. He said he understands and will help where he can...... lets hope he’s not shitting with me....

He asked about parts loader. I explained that it’s the change in horizon that messes me up. The constant moving, the pace you have to keep to keep things loaded. He then explained that on day shift sometimes they have “maintenance days” where a line will be down all day for work. If one like is down do I think I could do parts. I do… and told him so because there would be time to be still doing only 1/2 the work. Time to calm the ever moving world. Then he asked if there was a day he had to have me do it on a regular day which day would be best. I told him Thursday so I could go home and recover all weekend rather than force myself to do things the rest of the week never totally getting rid of how tired I was. He took notes so .... fingers crossed.

Wednesday I was on the same machine. It again ran like junk. It was seriously shutting down for no reason. I called Matt over who then opened a door and shut it then turned the machine back on. He kinda laughed like.... you know it was such a simple problem with such a simple fix.... I felt so dumb. How did I not know that? How could I not figure that out. It’s like #1 for when the machine won’t power on… check all possible e-stops … including door safety latches. Whatever, moved on. Midway through the day it happened again. I called Matt.... He made a big deal about not being able to get maintenance on it because they were working on some other thing and we only have 2 guys now for 7 inspections and 5 lines....that I would just have to deal with it. Glenn came over and I explained it to him. The line should not just be cutting off I wasn’t anywhere near the door that e-stopped. Glenn seemed to think I was overreacting a little and he got me back up and running. How about someone fix the damn thing? screw driver anyone? ..... like I knew how to FIX it really but they just wanted to run.... cool except it’s just going to keep doing that frustrating me and making it hard to keep up with the line at all. It eventually smoothed out again as it had the previous 2 days. When I turned in my paperwork at the end of the day Glenn said “hopefully you aren’t on 1 tomorrow” .... I’d hoped so too.

Thursday, I was on 1. However, it acted totally different. Honestly by the end of the day I’d had about the same amount of downtime as the previous days but the faults had been so spread out that it was not hard to keep up or fix the faults on my own. My brain did not feel clouded with panic, things went much better. Glenn had come to me pretty early asking for my help with QC. Basically, do my own and if I had a lot of downtime help him get the other inspections because someone had walked out. I got my own just fine but didn’t have a lot of downtime to help. He still thanked me near the end of the day when he got someone else to close out QC (aside from my inspection which I had handled easily).

Friday morning I got up and read journals during my morning.... and someone (The girl who loves love) had well wishes for the long weekend. Long weekend? what holiday? Oh wait do I have Monday off? ....

So I messaged Kevin. I apparently do not have a correct number for him and got a message back saying it was not delivered. this was at like 7:30am.... Jerry is on nights now and they get off at 6:30 so I messaged him. Yup, Monday off..... it hadn’t been mentioned all week!.... by anyone.... and I’d been on 1 where you really don’t see anyone for conversation at all..... Whatever.... It will be nice for a 4 day weekend like I”m used to.... last one till Thanksgiving.

Rocky had an interview.... drug test.... Dr. Appointment.... and something else this week… like an assessment test thing. He was told he “got the job” but has yet to get final papers for it (W-4, and whatnot). He did put in his 2 week notice at Asurion Friday. This coming Friday they are changing the Friday hours to 10:30-10:30 and from here on out.... so it’s good that he’s only got to do it once. He’s not happy about the change so I’m sure he won’t make it through the day.

Starts the new job (he was told) Monday. This job he will be running a printing press of some kind. The job is almost an hours drive away :( but pays 17 something an hour and goes up to 18 after “training” is over. Rocky said they seemed very pleased with his knowledge of the type of machine he’d be working on. The work just like the ones he was running when I met him.... at the job he hurt his back at.

On days he’s off we have a few hours in the evening depending on how long I can stay awake. During the days he works we have about 30 mins in the morning while he gets dressed and moving. With the new job he will have all kinds of jacked up hours. He will be working 12 hour days but it’s like 3 days on 3 days off 2 days on 2 days off and switching to nights/days every 3 months. I hate that.... with the hour drive :(.... but it will allow for us to have the occasional day off together.... I think. Though most of the day he will spend sleeping at least it will be more understandable on my part.

Currently he makes 13 something an hour. I don’t see any of the money unless I ask for it. It causes unneeded stress. We talked about that. I told him if the new job won’t let him split his check then he needs to deposit it into the house account and more a chunk each week for his personal money. Why? because I’ll sit down to pay bills and move my personal money to the house to cover things.... then be broke.... and feel guilty asking him for money to cover house bills when I shouldn’t because I already contribute the lions share. Literally I sat down last week to pay the house note and other bills due by the first..... I’d moved $400 of my money over and was still $30 short of comfortable. So, when he got up for work I asked him if he could move like $100 to make things easier. He moved $1200..... wtf? Why let me worry? and did I move my money back? .... nope.... I’d already let it go. I’d already made the contribution but there was no reason for it when he had $1200 to put it there without a blink. It does not make me happy..... but still.... bills get paid.

We have talked a bit in the last few weeks. #1 because of the cut at work and because he’s seeing how much that has stressed me out. We’ve had more talk about getting things paid off so I can come home. It’s hopeless really though. Each conversation feels hopeful until near the end when he says something like “Before you come home I want to get the garage built”..... this means the nearly $60,000 plus a 2 car garage.... that paid off then I can come home.

Here I am feeling like I’m barely hanging on. I can’t just quit and start over somewhere else. I make too much right now. Won’t it be faster if I just hang on.

Once upon a time I was with a man who just wanted me to stay home and take care of his child. There was no debt then though. There was no house.... no student loans… and I was young.

Brushed my hair Friday morning..... as it cascaded forward over my left shoulder onto my chest I saw it. .... My first real GREY HAIR. I took a photo and sent it to Destiny “OMG WTF is this”..... just joking really. She’s had a couple. She covers them with color. I won’t. Still it’s a reminder. I”m about to be 40 ya’ll. I’m not ready. Numbers had never been a real problem for me .... I don’t recall 30 being so bad....

Just with all the shit lately....

I’d talked to my mom about something.... sometime this week.... honestly can’t even remember why I’d called or why she’d called. The conversations always end with “can you come get Joshua for a few hours” ...... I had to tell my mom about this horrible overwhelming feeling. She said that if I wasn’t going to go talk to someone know that I can talk to her whenever..... like I didn’t know.... but why would I? as if she doesn’t have enough on her plate. .... Honestly much more likely to call Destiny being as the conversations with her don’t end in “can you do me a favor”.

It has not gotten better.... I mean it has but it hasn’t..... I’ve removed a few things.... not playing ACNH and some games that I removed from my phone that I’d been playing for like a year but felt obligated to play. However, with Alex wanting another picture done (ordered that) I started another project instead of waiting for his. Now I will likely have to put it on hold when his gets here. Why would I do that? ..... because I like Diamond painting.... and it seems the only time I’ll listen to podcasts.... and I was getting behind on Critical Role(CR). CR makes me laugh. Laughing is important therefore Diamond Painting is important right?

In fact, this entry only even exists now because my phone needed to be charged so I could listen to more CR and Diamond Paint as I had gotten down to 32% and though I should take a break to charge. I’m at 87% now so I guess I’m going to read the 5 entries left by those I read and then move on with my life. Hope this wasn’t too much......