Busy Week! in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

If you had asked me on Sunday if this was going to be a busy week, I would have likely (in a rather Eeyore voice) said, “Probably not.”

Well, I would have been wrong!

Monday: Trip to Ames, saw family, miraculous experience with Victoria.
Tuesday: Nancy came over to see Nala and take a bookshelf, Roll20 Game
Wednesday: 1 Hour meeting w/Lawyer, fun 100% non-sexual evening with Victoria
Thursday: Whatever happens; Roll20 Game @ 7:00
Friday: 5:00- Phone call w/the head of Iowa Democrats
Saturday: Honestly… I will probably go to DM if I have to (depending on phone calls today) to remove Nancy from the bank account; Nancy is coming over to get her clothes (or I’m packing them for her); DDO or SWTOR that evening
Sunday: SO FAR no plans but… likely to change!

So yeah. Busy week!! And because it has been busy, I’ll admit… I could use a soak! I mean… I’ve been saying that for weeks now and still haven’t “forced” it into my schedule but… yeah.

Completely switching gears… I thought that, if Victoria had a good understanding of where I was coming from, she might… deal better with the look of appreciation. Important because it got to the point last night where she actually said, “Please stop smiling at me like that I don’t know how to handle it.” All I was doing was smiling but apparently something in the smile conveyed appreciation, warmth, and whatever else she may have been seeing. So I tried to help her understand that this isn’t just the look of a man who “hasn’t had much in awhile”. That ultimately, my entire sexual history has been very broken. The woman who tried to kill me who would tie me to a tree and say, “Either you let me suck you or I leave you here with your pants down tied to a tree!”. The woman who was quick to engage in sexual interactions provided there was no vaginal sex, she never orgasmed, and I never asked to date her because I was “genetically inferior.” Or the woman I married, who decided 24 sexual experiences in 9 years was acceptable. THAT is my sexual past. Hostile, assaultive, and terrifying. Insulting, passionate, and confusing. Or withholding. Take your pick. So… yeah. THAT is why there is a strong look of appreciation, wonder, and gratitude. Because ultimately so far? This is the healthiest relationship involving sexual contact I’ve ever been in. And when you consider that it is with a woman who is married, has a boyfriend, has a date tonight with a potentially new boyfriend, and is seeing me as a “Friend she’s attracted to and knows could use some company and sexual healing”..... that is a very complicated relationship to also be counted as “healthiest so far.”

Though honestly, last night was almost entirely just us talking. Things like how she and Remus trust me so much and feel safe, not just safe in “whatever this relationship is” but safe as in… “Victoria is doing a photo shoot with a new photographer; please be her escort” safe. It’s nice to know that… while, yeah, there are a lot of rules and boundaries and compartmentalizing that surrounds a majority of what is going on… at the heart of it all, it is very simple. I have a friend named Remus. I have a friend named Victoria. They are married. They have children. Their children love me. Their children love my dog. At the very heart of everything- that is what exists. And that is what I want. And need. OBVIOUSLY the idea that a woman like Victoria could be attracted to me is… a lot to take in. And obviously, she has expressed that she is very keen to know when my test results come back. And whatever happens there is… whatever happens. But whatever fruit this tree bears; it is good to know that there is a strong foundation. A solid root of friendship connecting it all. ESPECIALLY as I am not quite prepared to fork money over to a dating site. Nancy did within days of moving out; that’s fine, that’s on her. I’m just… especially* until I feel like I can go to a bar without it sounding like the most irresponsible thing I can do? I don’t see the value in spending the money. I mean… sure. Nancy wasn’t bound by COVID-19 restrictions nor seems to care enough about it to protect her boyfriend’s kids. That’s on her. I’m… a bit more cautious. So… yeah. For the foreseeable non-vaccine world… I think exploring a path of “sexual healing” with a very good friend may be.... safe.

After the long talk, we walked Nala. Victoria was telling me about how ANTIME someone pays for her ANYTHING she feels like they expect some kind of repayment. Whether that be “be nice to me” or “now I can tell you what to do” or something like that. Which I certainly told her that I could appreciate it; but that I would never expect ANYTHING from her if I paid for her anything. Like… if I hand you a check or a stack of cash, there may be negotiation on if I want you to pay me back. But if I’m paying for food? Or if I pick up the tab on some kind of outing? That isn’t me doing anything other than saying, “I would like to enjoy this experience with you.” But (and this is probably best for my benefit and to NOT allow me to continue being someone that is easily taken advantage of) Victoria is very specific about what I can and cannot do with my money in our friendship. And the general rule is: NO. No gifts, no paying for food, no paying for anything. But as we discussed money and how people see money differently… she asked me about the money perspective from someone WITH that. And I let her know that the hardest thing to realize is that everyone, everyone, needs to come up with a “minimum comfortable number” for themselves. The biggest problem in America, ESPECIALLY with the wealthy, is that the “minimum comfortable” for them is simply MORE. That’s why someone who has $196 BILLION can treat his workers like shit and desperately tries to wring as much money out of everything as possible (ethics and compassion be damned). Because he’ll only be financially “comfortable” with MORE. And more is never attainable. There is never ENOUGH when you always want MORE. So the only way to be satisfied is to create an attainable if difficult number and strive for that. Then when you get to that number. Take the time to feel accomplished, happy, take the time to appreciate it. THEN, after sufficiently appreciating that you hit your goal… re-assess to see if you need to modify your goal or if you can still be happy at the original number. If so, all the rest is “fun money for charity, gifts, friends, to be used without guilt.” For me? What is my number? It’s two fold. Either a specific salary or a specific number in my savings account. Either a salary of $88,000 or a steady bank account of $120,000. When I said those numbers, Victoria froze in the street. Just froze. As though wrapping her head around that was impossible. In truth? The salary range for my profession starting out (Iowa Prosecutor) is $60,000 to $95,000. SO… while I’m between $65 and $70 right now… 88 isn’t entirely out of reach. And… before I had to pay out on the divorce? I was about $40,000 away from my bank account number.

Then we discussed money. Because she is one of maybe FOUR PEOPLE TOTAL that I would have that discussion with in person that is NOT related to me. And… yeah! Celebrate different perspectives. She’s a natural cook. She’s a spectacular lover (so she says). She’s good at a lot of things. Because she was never in a position where money was easy. She’s never had more than $10,000 in the bank. Honestly?? I had $10,000 in the bank by the time I was 17. SO… very different worlds! And important to reign in my perspective on things. But… I’ll admit… it again ignites that fire in me to “Then let me pay for things!” I mean… I cut a $27,000 check this morning. Let me pay for your Chinese food! But no. She doesn’t want me to. She’s adamant. And… I can genuinely respect that. She’s really sticking to boundaries and agreements. We’re not a romantic couple; we’re not married; and she will not allow me to “express affection or gratitude through money”. It’s… going to be difficult for me… but I like it.

We ended the evening with a single doctor who episode. And… Victoria balled up resting against me, my arm around her, her head on my shoulder… I knew at that moment that I would sleep well that night. And I did sleep well. TOO well. When it came time to get up, I did not want to for the life of me!

But get up I did. Skipped the shower, skipped breakfast, drove to InTown Attorney, delivered the third highest check payment of my life, and drove to work. Victoria and her kids were going to take Nala to the Dog Park today and Victoria sent me the conversation she had with her daughter:
CHILD: is Chris gonna be with nala today?
VICTORIA: no He’s at work
CHILD: where does Chris work?
VICTORIA: he works in Eldora. He’s a lawyer. Do you know what a lawyer is Child
CHILD: yeah
VICTORIA: what’s a lawyer Child
CHILD: Chris

That little girl is damned adorable, lol.

Today’s morning was busy. Thursday morning so obvs. Hearings hearings hearings hearings, trial. Lunch. Phone Calls. E-Mails. Putting Out Fires. Meeting w/Another Attorney. Wasting time. Drive Home, walk the dog, clean the yard, Roll20.

You know what I REALLY need to do? Figure out food. Like not just figure out how to eat healthy and lose weight… but like what to buy, when, and how to cook it. Food, in general, is kind of a big blind spot for me!