Mood Poisoning in Current Events

First world problems are giving me mood poisoning today. My PC google browser is identifying as a mobile device whenever I try to go on YouTube. My PC speakers are crackling and my headphones stopped working in one earpiece. My keyboard forgets how to English and starts doing anything but type. Yesterday I went for a long walk to get myself into the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere so I could feel alone but some nasty little human showed up walking their dog and I’m still not over it. Is there nowhere free of people!? *Lord take this angst from me I don’t want it. *

I am expected to be ready to move out by October. Everywhere I look businesses are closing down. Even the craft store that had to lay me off because of this pandemic that was going to rehire me is closing down. Two stores that I applied at are closing down. The future is not written but my mind wants to emotionally prepare me for living on the streets. 500+ German scientists and doctors just tried to sound the alarm that COVID-19 is a scam! Not in the sense that it isn’t real but that it has been turned into political rhetoric and these lockdowns are not necessary! I’m trying not to let myself feel hopeless. I am aware that I am using politics to create distance from that. Yesterday I put as much space between me and everything as possible to clear my mind. I sat in a crusty field in the middle of nowhere half-naked and listened to my JP audible. Then it all hit me when I tried to sleep, kept me tossing and tortured until dawn. I could not get my mind to stop. I was begging my mind to stop. It would not stop.

I’m already irritable today and my mother called me to ask for some help with my grandmother. My selfish self-serving ass hates this “intrusion.” I keep having to remind myself that I actually get to help my grandmother. I agreed to replace her showerhead, fix her blinds, fill her water jugs and I am going to find a way to learn how to trim my grandmother’s toenails. I did not know that this was a thing for seniors and she used to get them trimmed by a nurse at her Church so that means it has been five months since she had them trimmed. There are places I could take her but if I can save her money I’ll learn how to do this for her. Honestly, yesterday I was just thinking about her obsession with clipping my fingernails when I was a child. I’ll return the favour. If I had any ambition I could use capitalism to fix being poor and trim toenails for seniors who can’t leave their homes and charge a fair price.

My mother and her boyfriend go camping almost every weekend in this summer. I can’t get any of my friends to do anything but eat. My friends suck. I want to go to the beach, go hiking, biking, camping, rafting, boating and they just want to eat lots of breads and desserts and get all fat and sassy and hate the hierarchy. Honestly, I want to join a soccer team or something. Those are out there. That would be fun.

Ok, I ranted enough. I do not want to commit to my bad mood. I’ve created a positive feedback loop where I surrender the stress to being sedentary and feeling sorry for myself. I’ll put on some coffee, play some Sheryl Crow and then go handle it fuck. Face your suffering voluntarily. Life is tough but you’re tougher. You’re not only tough enough to handle it but you can improve it.

Every day is a winding road
Every day is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer
to feeling fine.
-SC

Every time I turn around
I’m looking up, you’re looking down
Maybe something’s wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do.
-SC

This woman is deeply underrated. She’s enlightened af. I stan.