Ups, Downs, Delays in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I had intended to wake up early, eat a breakfast, grab a shower, head into the office.... but with last night’s emotional insomnia, I “slept” a bit until 3:45… let the dog out… got back to bed around 4:20… “slept” a bit until 6, then stayed in bed shifting in and out of consciousness until 7:30. HAD to take a shower because on Saturday, we sat around Remus’ fire pit and… I didn’t want to smell like 2 day old smoke at work.

But when I got to work? And still currently? The state-wide Electronic Data Management System for Iowa Courts is down. Again. This always makes me panic a little because while these outages DO happen, and one SHOULD have been expected after last week’s derecho, the last time we had a significant outage, it lasted for WEEKS. I don’t expect the same to be true this time but… it would be SO 2020. COVID restrictions fuck the judicial calendar… In-Land Hurricane destroys (according to some reports) Iowa to the degree of (comparing for our Euro-Friends) 70% of Ireland. If we have an EDMS sustained-outage, we may as well just say fuck courts and trials for the rest of the year; we’re declaring martial law and suspending habeas corpus until we can get our damned court system back up!

So… with about an hour before I’m supposed to be meeting with yet-another-domestic violence victim… I send Nancy a text about seeing if she wants to come over Thursday (to see the dog and grab some of her shit) and see if the paperwork is filed. I know, acknowledge, and appreciate that I shouldn’t discuss my finances openly. I do. I get that. But I’ll also say… considering how much money my family has given us, how hard I’ve worked as far as building our bank account, and all of the “Spousal Support Topics” genuinely applying more to me than to Nancy… the idea that I could/would have to halve my monetary holdings to a point more closely resembling that of when I graduated from College??? It is very upsetting. After Nancy graduated from College, she stayed at Wal Mart. After getting married to me, she stayed at Wal Mart… and made my life hell for it. Despite investing a LOT of money into her to encourage her to do what she wanted to do instead of staying at Wal Mart… she stayed at Wal Mart, continuing to make my life hell for it. She’s only not worked a Wal Mart line-level retail-level job these last two years… the first of which, she essentially sat around doing nothing and complaining; the second of which, she spent taking 2 community college courses that (apparently) consumed 17 hours a day. Not to mention that, for the last 6 months… I’ve been paying for her everything. So… a woman that essentially would have been making roughly $13.00 an hour for the last 15 years. After I graduated from College? I busted my ass at a call-line before burning out and going to work for Best Buy where I became (eventually) an Assistant Department Supervisor. After that, there was a single period of 9 months where I didn’t work (because Law School doesn’t allow 1Ls to work). Then that May, I got a job paying $10 an hour and worked my ass off. Ultimately, culminating in the Law Library Nightmare at around $13 an hour for between 45 and 60 hours a week. Before becoming a prosecutor at $60k a year. Then a private attorney at $30k a year. Then back to prosecutor at $65k a year. So… if we don’t consider the money spent on things like her college, her therapy, my therapy, etc… we’re looking at… through our marriage alone… Nancy’s contribution being around $207k while mine would be around $300k min. In other words, my contributions are at minimum 60% of our current bank account. At 1/3, she would receive $27k. Which, all things considered, isn’t a pittance when you consider that she is capable of working full time but is (this is true) instead baby sitting her boyfriend’s kids every day for free before she does a 3 day a week part time job. If I gave her 40%, as I hope I can and intend to… that’s $32,000. Lump sum. For her, based on current rent (meaning… however long it takes her to move in with her boyfriend)… that would pay for 3 1/2 years of her rent. Or 2 1/2 years of her rent PLUS utilities. All things considered? Call me a shit, but I think that is quite generous.

And honestly… I’ve got to be straight about this.... when Nancy said she’s spending her days watching her boyfriend’s kids? Oooooooo, that bothered me. I mean… yeah. THAT bothered me!! Like… I feel a fundamental emotional disrupt over that. Here I am feeling bad about not having a family of my own… because my wife of 9 years decided that she isn’t attracted to me and never loved me… and within 3 weeks of moving out, gets a boyfriend/lover and is now “Substitute Mamma” watching his kids while he is at work?! Oooo. Just… kind of burns me up!

Jump from that to my Domestic Violence meet the newest victim. Interesting perspective shifts there.
Walk in and notice how youthful, sweet, and very attractive this victim is.
Listen to her talk and realize that she’s a very sweet and kind girl, but not that intelligent.
Feel a bit surprised when she reveals that she is turning 28 next week, as she looks very young.
MARVEL in horror as she mentions that she has six kids and has never been married.
I mean… I’m not judging her. Not really. It’s just… :le sigh:. More of the same, innit? Beautiful girl making terrible life choices and getting the shit kicked out of her by her boyfriend… meanwhile… there’s me and my joyful (sarcasm) situation!

Though… Victoria to the rescue again. I was feeling… really confused about my rage. Really upset that Nancy could get me feeling so furious when… Why? Logically, I’ve known the marriage was over for a long time. What Nancy does with her time is 100% a reflection of HER and who SHE is; and has nothing to do with ME or who I am. So why the rage? And I talked to Victoria about it briefly because… well, Harvey Two Face. I’m Apollo here. I’m Logical Chris, The Lawyer here. A sudden, overwhelming emotion that I can’t immediately logically deal with… is more confusing than anything else. And Victoria was there to help me reason through it. Because Logical Chris is… separated.... from Emotional Chris.... I often need a sounding board to help me marry the two sides. Victoria was able to pinpoint several things, that I could then extrapolate.
(1) Chris spent a considerable amount of time, energy, emotion, and effort into making his marriage work. The marriage didn’t work.
(2) That being said, it makes sense that Chris would want SOME kind of recognition that his effort and work merited some value. Whether that be Nancy “taking time” to deal with the break up or “working hard to reconcile” or some sign, however small, that the effort mattered.
(3) Instead, Nancy instantly did what she always did prior. Find a new man as quickly as possible and set up shop in his life to avoid having to live her own.
(4) Pairing that with the lack of “I love you” or even “Thank You” that persisted in Chris’ marriage exacerbates this feeling of impotence and fury.
(5) The rage comes full force because it feels like another signal that, to Nancy at least, CHRIS wasn’t what mattered. That even through 9 years of hard work to make the marriage work; to Nancy it was simply a shelter from reality.
(6) Therefore, the feeling of rage is EXTREMELY logical because it is a reminder that all the hard work and effort were not only NOT APPRECIATED but were also NOT NECESSARY because they never had a chance of creating the desired outcome.
(7) This along with the current feelings of depression over Chris’ own failures in rebuilding some kind of romantic life and Chris’ own feelings of not having a family… while Nancy has already jumped into “Substitute Wife and Mamma” territory would easily logically combine with the other emotional inputs to create the strong, giant ball of rage.

That was helpful. I can’t deal with an emotion until I understand it… and that was very helpful to understanding it.

So as we come to 11:30 a.m. here in Iowa… my scheduled work is… done for the day. I mean… the SCHEDULED stuff. Like, “file this thing” and “have that meeting” and “e-mail that attorney.” The unscheduled stuff always remains. Like… phone calls, emergencies, and the random bat-shit crazy person.

Despite Nancy requesting a favor this evening (which I may not get to simply because of time, not spite) my evening IS supposed to be busy.

• Sexual Health Check Doctor’s Appointment
• Grab Dog and drive to Ames
• US Bank (because w/153 locations in Iowa, my closest is still 54 minutes away!)
• Walk the Dog
• Deliver redemption items
• Grab Food
• Drive Home
• Clean Back Yard
• Finish Laundry
• Empty Dishwasher
• Reload Dishwasher
• Call Energy Company about issue
• Give Nala Heartworm Meds
• Schedule Permitting: Trim Nala’s toenails and give her a bath
• Schedule Permitting: Secondary Walk (or at least Ride) to City Hall to pay Utilities.

So… that’s what the rest of my 8/17/2020 looks like! Which is good. Otherwise, I’d probably be tempted to drink heavily when you combine the (1) lately depressive thoughts; (2) the fun ball of rage; (3) this anger and angst about losing so much of my money; and (4) still being surrounded by Nancy’s damned things since she’s too busy playing Substitute Mommy to finish her last life before starting her new one!