Random Ambition in Current Events

I am 34, I’m unemployed and I live in my sister’s basement and I’m living off of CERB. Some people call this rock bottom, some call it room for opportunity and I call it finally being boyfriend material. I woke up this morning to some weird fantasy that my brain was cooking up. I was creating content for YouTube around my hopeless situation. I was about to conduct a huge social experiment like no other. I was going to go get a job and education to see if systemic racism was actually going to stop me from succeeding. I was shady, sassy, witty but serious about this topic and Trudeau’s claim that Canada is racist. I’m two-spirited, I’m First Nations and I live in the city that was dubbed The Most Racist City in Canada. I was controversial, starting drama I was going around asking white people if they thought there privileged and better than me. I asked around to hear other people’s experiences with racism, of all races. Including white people. I’ve had my fair share. I could go to the slums, to Aboriginal centres to discuss this with other First Nation’s people. Not to shade or debate but to listen to understand. To educate myself. The wound in the native consciousness is fresh. We still possess survivors of our cultural genocide. I was still alive when our last residential school was closed. That blows my mind. My aunts and uncles were all separated and scattered across the country until they were reunited in the 80s. Substance abuse, poverty and crime are why my mother kept me isolated from my dad’s side of the family. To her credit, it wasn’t full isolation. In this fantasy of me educating myself, I take trips to reservations to see what issues my community faces. Why they still do not have access to clean water even though every election they are promised clean water. I smell a stunt. My provincial government is very Marxist, are they helping the first nations community or are they simply controlling them as voters? Very Democrat in my opinion.

If I had half a nerve I would go out and find somebody to help me create this channel and film this series. It could go unnoticed or it can blow up. I had a lowkey ambition in 2017 to become an “influencer” but I had nothing to say. The equipment to film from home was only just over a hundred bucks. I don’t have a camera, I could probably get access to one or something. Do I have the self-esteem to put my ugly face out there? My gay voice? No, but that is developable. Would this add value to someone or would it just piss people off? Maybe a bit of column A and a bit of Column B. I don’t want to make people comfortable. I want them to be great and maybe I can inspire a person or two to find freedom in letting go of various limiting beliefs. The only way out is in. The revolution cannot be televised it can only be internalized. Between the series, I can talk about my unpalatable politics and get cancelled every other day. I can talk about my spiritual growth, share the knowledge and wisdom I get from my gurus. I can explore the wisdom and tales from Native elders. Explore my Ojibwe heritage. Piss people off that I’m culturally appropriating because I’m half white. This fantasy I woke up to made me feel alive for half a second. Should I just say fuck it and do it? The intro that I cooked up is shady as fuck. I explain my “hopeless” situation and give myself two choices. One, commit to believing that I cannot succeed. Amplify my pain to justify how the world is cruel to me. Or two, commit to the belief that privilege comes from choice. Grind and create the life that I want. BOOM! Instant haters.