Detached in Journal 2020

I think I’m finally hitting that weird point that I saw a lot of people hit.

It was like people suddenly became really unstable and cold and mean. I keep finding myself thinking…why do I care about these people? All they do is disappointment me.

It was kind of scary how quick I became cold and cruel to Calin when he did what he did. I didn’t feel bad, well I did but mostly as a reflex. I just was like good now you feel how I feel.

But I wanted more. I really wanted him to hate himself more than he claimed. But I’m also like i dont care. I keep thinking why do i care about so many people. Like i don’t care about them…i just don’t or I do.

I’ve always wanted to help people and protect them. Look at the previous journal before this, I forgive easily and always want to be the person who shields others. But now it’s something bubbling underneath.

Why do I bother? Why cant I just get back at everyone? I threatened that with Calin, because I realized something. Most people understand I’m unstable and that I’m easily manipulated.

So wouldn’t hurting myself make them feel guilty. It would be like self harm for a purpose. I wanted to hurt myself really bad, I started to due to everything that happened. But I said more, I wanted to do more.

It was like. People don’t realized how far I can go in my own anger and I hsut cant. Everyone treats me like a DOORMAT and they have for nearly two years.

Two goddamn years. I’m sick of it. And I’m angrier by the second.