ignore it and it will go away in Second 1st

It’s not. This feeling.... of being in control of nothing. No matter what my schedule for the day is… how much I get done… This hopelessness. It’s been here a good while now. Since being diagnosed with Meniere’s really. I do my best to put a finger on it. To check my pulse (figuratively) make sure it’s not completely out of control. Keep lists, do things, if things are getting done we are moving forward right? even if it feels like we are just wallowing in mud.

It’s been hitting really hard the last few weeks though for some reason. The Chiropractor did it I think. Here’s an appointment to keep 3 of the 4 days you have off for 5 weeks! What? it’s at least an hour with travel it’s an hour and 30 and sometimes 2 hours if they are busy. Hey best friends visiting don’t forget to spend every second you can with her. Don’t forget the brother in law who has horrible anxiety and depression. Be sure to talk to him when you have a few moments in the morning you know during the time when the world is still. You need to be sure he doesn’t feel ignored. Friend leaves, some relief but it lingers because within the week she gets home her future father in law passes away so she feels the need to call everyday because she needs someone to pull her up. Brother in law moves out but doesn’t have nearly what he needs to be okay in the dorm till the college is ready to feed him. I keep expecting him to call to need me for something. Don’t forget the chiro .... then the pain that comes with it. For some reason we go and Rocky leaves without complaint but I have more pain when I get out than when I went in. However, overall the hip feels better which is what I went in for and the pain generally only lasts the remainder of the day and is never the same pain the next day. Settle down we are alone again, just us 2. Just the chiro.... oh and amazingly my yearly OBGYN appointment landed on the one day in the week the Chiro is closed and I don’t have to go. That means that I have no days this week where the world doesn’t need me.

I made the mistake of trying to explain to Rocky the turmoil and … overwhelmed feeling.... this all too much… I don’t want this.... I’m just making it… I can deal… I’m fine… I’m ok.... check my pulse. Nothings wrong everything’s moving as it should. One step at a time forward always forward. He says I need to talk to the doctor… but I did when I wasn’t working it was because I wasn’t working.... now it’s because pandemic right? now it’s because stay home as much as you can, wear masks when you are out… masks at work… William fired for not following a randomly new rule…

Saturday I was randomly put on parts loader. I was not feeling well that morning and by the end of the day I felt broken. I spent Sunday doing all I could to not fall asleep at work because Saturday had taken soooo much from me. I had spent the day doing the job fighting nausea, dizziness and a migraine because no matter how many times I tell Jerry I can’t do that job.... well when I’m on it that job still gets done because of my horribly good work ethics but I suffer. It’s Wednesday and I still feel broken.

Why?!? WHY? doesn’t matter.... move forward.... another appointment… another hour of dizziness because they have me do these neck stretches first.... then these torso stretches where I’m watching my arm.... and my head isn’t still for awhile. I tell them.... no slack for me. The suggest I break them up with the other stuff but either way… I mean that help SOME but I’m still dizzy.... but fuck it. I’m not throwing up .... I stubble a little.... I’m fine… I’m okay.... move forward. Another “adjustment” more random pain.... another reminder that this body is all fucked up.... I”m fine… more forward.

OH! items I didn’t know we needed to go get from a store or somewhere I had no intention of going to? Cool. I’ll just remove this other thing from my list of things I need to do today to stay sane and we will do the thing you (anyone, and no one specific though obviously it’s Rocky but the things we need aren’t always because Rocky ya know?) kinda wanted to do today that you didn’t mention to me till just now.

It all feels out of control.... I feel helpless.... I feel like.... like a vessel in my own life.... like I”m just doing the things assigned. There is no me.... there is the shell of me doing the things it’should. Don’t forget to grab a shower today because you haven’t in a couple days and that’s not what people do.... don’t forget to wash the cloths so you have clean ones for work cause dirty cloths isn’t what people do. Get up early so you can have a few moments in which you decide what to do.... but be sure to get enough sleep because it will only get worse if you don’t.

I don’t know that this entry accurately depicts how I feel. Things will be better soon. Just move forward..... don’t talk about it.... just one step.... just one thing.... it’ll get better..... I’ll catch up .... I’ll be present soon.... I’ll be back soon.... I’m trying… just move forward. Another task, another meet, another appointment, another need to fill, I’m fine.... I’m okay.... check my pulse.... move forward.... another day.... another hour.... another task.....